Remission (A Long, Strange Trip)
by cheertennis12
Summary: A late night phone call and a complicated case bring Olivia face to face with a part of her past she had buried long ago. When Amelia Cole reenters Sergeant Benson's life six years after their first meeting, how will digging up these memories affect the sergeant, her squad, and her family? [multi-chapter, as canon as possible, BENSIDY & Noah]
1. Chapter 1

**Just a random idea I had. Set roughly around what would be season 20 or 21. **

** I know I already have two unfinished stories, but whatever. Maybe a two or three shot if enough people are interested in reading more. **

* * *

The shrill ringing of her cell phone startled Olivia out of a sound sleep. She rolled over and grabbed it, tapping the answer button before even bothering to notice the caller ID.

"Benson," she mumbled sleepily.

"Hey Liv, we've got a vic at the ER." she heard a male voice respond.

"Fin. I'm not on call this weekend. Call Rollins." She groaned, already growing frustrated at her coworker's incompetence in reading the duty schedule.

"She's already here... But I think you need to take the case."

"Who... What?" She questioned sleepily, still trying to determine what could possibly necessitate waking her up at 2:30 in the morning on her first weekend off in ages. When Fin didn't respond immediately, Olivia could sense his hesitation at answering her questions over the phone, and although she was annoyed, she trusted his judgement. "Okay..." She sighed. "Give me half an hour."

"Is everything okay?" Brian mumbled into his pillow as Olivia turned on the lamp and hopped out of bed to throw on an outfit.

"Yeah... Just a case that Fin and Rollins caught tonight. They need me at the ER." Olivia answered apologetically.

"I thought you were off this weekend?" Brian asked, unable to hide the hint of hurt and disappointment in his question.

"I am. I promise I'll be home as soon as I can. There's waffles in the freezer for breakfast, please don't let Noah spend his whole morning watching cartoons, and remember he has a T-ball game at 10:30... I'll try my best to make it."

"Got it." He yawned with his arm still over his half-closed eyes to shield them from the light.

"I love you," Olivia walked back to the bed and pressed a gentle kiss onto her boyfriend's unsuspecting lips.

"I love you too, babe. Be careful," Brian called out to her as she gently closed the bedroom door behind her.

They functioned as the perfect little dysfunctional family unit, an oxymoron in itself, but nevertheless a situation that somehow fit them perfectly. Brian had reentered Olivia's life the summer that Noah came to live with Olivia, and the relationship had slowly began to rekindle. Six years later, marriage had sporadically been discussed, but Olivia and Brian were just as content to remain as they were. Happy and content.

She walked down the hall, tiptoeing into Noah's room. She stood watching his rhythmic inhale and exhale as he slept soundly, before leaning down and placing a soft kiss on his temple. This was her tradition. Although she had become much more conscious of her safety since becoming a mother, bypassing risks she would have taken without question when she was single and childless, she was still aware that her job was dangerous by default. There was always the minuscule possibility that each time she said goodbye to her boys could be her last, so Olivia was intentional to always leave them with a reminder of how much she loved them.

"Mommy?" She heard a tiny voice call out to her as she made her way back to the door.

"Go back to sleep, baby. It's okay." She reassured her six year old.

"Do you have to go to work?"

Olivia wandered back to his bed, sitting down beside him and beginning to rub his back. "They have an extra special job for me to do tonight." She smiled, unsure if she was telling the truth or far from it. "Brian will make you breakfast, and I'll see you at your game, okay?"

"Okay." Noah smiled before burying his head back into his pillow. Olivia took that as her cue to head out, but not before planting one more quick kiss on the top of his head.

Olivia made it to Bellevue hospital and joined her coworkers in the ER waiting room. They both displayed an expression she couldn't quite read - a hodgepodge mix of shock and sadness and concern, maybe meant as much for her as the victim. Olivia's stomach turned as Fin and Amanda directed her towards the exam room, still unsure of what she would find inside.

Olivia pushed open the door and made her way into the room. She would know the girl sitting on the cold exam table anywhere. For a time, she had seen her in dreams nearly every night, tapering off to an occasional occurrence that she would attribute to stress or upcoming anniversaries she wished she could forget. She was older now, taller, with her hair shorter and styled. Puberty had treated her well. She had developed from a naive, carefree child to a beautiful young woman. But in that moment, Olivia's eyes took her in as the scared little girl who's childhood she all but caused to be stolen.

"Amelia?"

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**so... Do you want more?**


	2. Chapter 2

"Amelia?" Olivia stared in disbelief at the scowling girl in front of her. She noticed fresh bruises forming across her body and a black eye threatening above the gash on her cheek.

"Sergeant Benson?" Amelia answered back. Olivia thought she saw her face soften for a brief moment before the glare returned to her eyes. "What are you doing here."

"The other detectives called me. My squad will take your case. Can you tell me what happened?"

"I'm fine." She rolled her eyes, "I don't need detectives and I don't need another rape kit."

Olivia felt the room start to spin and gripped the edge of the bed to hold herself steady so hard that her knuckles turned white. Another... rape... kit... Amelia. Her thoughts started running, flashing back to the scene of sitting in the same emergency department with blood splattered across her face. Her first thought had been Amelia in those moments, the relief pouring out as he reassured her she was physically unharmed.

Much to Olivia's relief, a nurse entered the room and she quickly took the opportunity to excuse herself from the room to gather herself. She wandered back to the waiting room to find somewhere to sit down with the cup of water they had given her at the nurses' station. She was surprised to find Fin and Amanda still waiting in the chairs.

"You two could have gone home, you know." Olivia stated the obvious as she sat down across from them.

Fin and Amanda exchanged glances, noticing her shakiness before Fin finally dared to open his mouth. "We just wanted to stay and make sure... Maybe we shouldn't have brought you into this after all."

"No." Olivia answered firmly. "I'm glad you did. Do you know anything about what happened?"

"Uni's said they picked her up passed out down on 20th. A bunch of guys scattered when they saw the patrol car pull up. Dress was torn, they said it looked like a sexual assault so they called us. She's not talkin' though... You okay, Liv?"

"Not really." She muttered much to Fin's concern as she stood up and walked towards the room. Fin could count the number of times he had heard that admission fall from her lips in the nearly 20 years they had worked together on one hand.

Olivia had kept in touch with Amelia sporadically in the weeks after their unfortunate meeting but their contact had tapered off after only a few months. Olivia had Noah to tend to, and as far as she knew, Amelia was readjusting well to life as a normal preteen. After all, what did a 40-something detective have in common with a twelve year old girl. other than an experience they both wished they could forget.

Olivia took a deep breath and reentered the room as she saw the nurse exit, choosing to sit beside Amelia on the table.

"It's, uh, been a long time..." Olivia contemplated ways to ease the atmosphere and approach the elephant in the room, their common bond.

"Yep." Amelia clearly was disinterested in heading down that path of discussion, so Olivia redirected.

"Amelia, you need to tell me what happened tonight. That's the only way we can help you."

"I don't need any help, and I'm 18 now. So no, I don't need to talk to you." Amelia spat back, her defenses rising by the second.

Olivia had had this conversation hundreds, if not thousands of times in her 20 years in her tenure at SVU. It had become almost second nature. This time, she found herself tongue tied.

"Can I call someone for you? Your dad?"

Amelia scoffed. "My dad lost it after my mom died. He's usually too drunk to even remember my name. I got out of that mess as soon as I could."

Amelia's admission struck a nerve with Olivia as she began to reflect on her own childhood. One parent an alcoholic, the other leaving an unfillable void... It was uncomfortably familiar.

"What about Lauren?" Olivia was almost scared to ask, flashing back to the conversation she had with the other terrified, assaulted sister at the hospital.

"Went to college on the West Coast. She wanted to get as far away as possible. Never comes back." Amelia hopped off the exam table and began to put on her clothes. "I'm getting out of here..."

She muttered, pushing her way past Olivia to reach the door.

"Can I at least take you somewhere?" Olivia nearly begged.

"Fine." She rolled her eyes.

Olivia attempted to make small talk in the car. The young woman replied only with curt responses and necessary navigational instructions, until Olivia gave up and finished the ride in silence. When she pulled up to the address she had been given, Amelia all but jumped out of the car.

"Wait, Amelia..." Olivia shuffled through her wallet and pulled out a piece of paper. "Here's my card. Call me anytime, day or night... please."

* * *

Olivia ambled down the hall of her building, pushed open the door to her apartment, and prayed that she could make a quick beeline to the bathroom before anyone noticed the impending waterworks. No such luck. Her eyes immediately landed on Brian and Noah, all but having a food fight in the kitchen (that she would later have to clean up) with the waffles that her boyfriend had taken the liberty of saturating with syrup and chocolate sauce and whipped cream.

Brian took one look at the face she was trying to hide and gently prodded Noah out of his chair and into his room. "Go brush your teeth and get dressed, buddy." As Noah scrambled off, Brian made his way Olivia, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"Are you okay?" He gently asked. Olivia buried her face into his shirt and shook her head as she soaked the fabric with a combination of tears and mascara.

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**Ive been having major issues getting this chapter to post but I think it's finally working.. Fingers crossed!**

**what do you guys think? Is this worth continuing?**


	3. Chapter 3

Three weeks. It had been three weeks, four days, and a handful of hours since that middle of the night phone call that brought Amelia Cole back into her life, and truthfully, she hadn't strayed far from Olivia's mind since.

Sometimes being a cop had it's advantages. Olivia had done her own intermittent off-the-record investigation into what had transpired in the Cole family since they has lost contact. The widower and his daughters had moved out of their upper class home and life in Riverdale soon after those tragic events transpired there, as foreclosure threatened without the contribution of the doctor's income. Lauren Cole had enrolled at UCLA barely a year and a half after her encounter with Lewis and, judging from her Facebook page, never looked back at the city where life as she knew it ended.

According to the police reports, officers had been dispatched to the new apartment where Amelia and her father had taken up residence on more than one occasion. Neighbors had reported yelling and screaming and the sounds of breaking glass coming through their walls, and teachers had expressed concern over suspicious bruises marking the teenager. The allegations had gone far enough to land Amelia in foster care and group homes for much of her high school years. I

Every new piece of information she uncovered made her heart ache a little bit more.

"Whatcha working on?" Fin asked as he wandered up behind Olivia staring at a mugshot of Amelia from when she was collared on a minor drug charge the year before.

"Nothing." Olivia snapped as she quickly minimized her browser window, attempting to hide her extracurricular research from her well-meaning coworker.

"Murphy just heard from one of our UC's. They think we have enough information on this pimp they've been looking at to finally bust him and the whole ring. They're putting together a sting operation on Friday night and want us involved."

* * *

"I can hear you thinking." Brian mumbled into his pillow.

"Just go to sleep, Bri." Olivia responded a little harsher than she intended as she stared at the popcorn ceiling, not feeling one bit tired.

Brian rolled over to face her. "Babe, what's wrong?" He asked, the concern growing evident in his voice.

"Nothing. I'm fine." Olivia snapped, rolling on her side to face the wall, away from Brian.

Brian sighed, utterly confused at Olivia's unprovoked sharpness. He reached out to rub her back, and when she didn't pull away, he inched closer and wrapped his arms around her. "Okay... okay." He retreated, pressing a gentle kiss to her bare shoulder. "I'm sorry." He said, still unsure of exactly what he was supposed to be apologizing for.

Olivia closed her eyes and tried to relax in his arms with her mind still running at the speed of light. Silence blanketed the room for so long that Brian was nearly asleep when he heard a small voice pierce the darkness.

"Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's been six years."

"Six years since...?" Brian was puzzled. Six years since they had rekindled their relationship for the final time? Six years since she had first began to foster Noah? Six years since...

"Lewis." Olivia stated flatly, much to Brian's surprise. She rarely entertained conversation about him, let alone brought him up out of her own accord. Brian had learned to accept it as just how things were going to be. She was doing well, her nightmares had all but disappeared save for a few flare-ups as she approached certain anniversaries, and life had settled into its new normal long before. However, that still didn't quell his curiosity and his desire to share whatever burden remained. The smoothest solution just happened to be to keep his mouth shut.

"What are you thinking about?" He probed cautiously, running his ringers through her hair in a hopeful attempt to relax her enough to open up to him. He could always hope.

"It's my fault." She confessed, much to Brian's surprise.

"What are you talking about? Of course it's not." Brian insisted.

"I just keep thinking about Amelia... she was a normal kid, a good kid. And I keep finding out all these things about who she is now, what has happened since then. She's here now because of me."

"You're right, Liv. Amelia is here because of you."

Olivia pulled away and sat up, shooting him a glaring look of disbelief. He wasn't supposed to agree with her. He was supposed to argue with her, convince her that nothing was her fault, that she was innocent, even if she never would believe him.

Brian followed her lead and sat up beside her, gently rubbing her back. "Amelia is alive because of you. If you didn't go after them, you know what he could have done to her."

"But he never would have gone after her in the first place if he wasn't trying to get to me."

Brian was stumped. After six years with Olivia, he knew that arguing with her was usually pointless even when he had full understanding of a situation, let alone when it came to the one thing Olivia couldn't allow him access to.

"If I hadn't lied on the stand..." Olivia's voice caught when she realized this was the first time she had ever admitted that particular facet of the case to Brian. He had to have already known; that she was sure of. But he had been IAB at that time and the couple both knew that any banter even after the investigation closed could prove a serious conflict of interest for them both, so they had silently elected to bypass the discussion when they had recoupled.

"If you hadn't lied on the stand, Lewis may have gone free. You did what you had to do to put him away." Brian reasoned.

"But if I didn't lose control, if I had just called for backup right away-" Olivia's voice began to waver.

"Olivia. Listen to me." Brian lifted her chin up to look her in the eyes as they filled with tears. "You do so much good for people, but you can't save everyone. I know you're upset about whatever it is that's going on with Amelia now, but none of this is your fault."

Olivia just shook her head.

"Come here, babe." Brian wrapped his arms around her and coaxed her back down beside him. She burrowed into his chest, letting her long built-up tears flow uncharacteristically free. "I love you." He whispered, and wordlessly held her until they both finally fell asleep.

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**please review if you have taken the time to read this! I love the encouragement. this is going to be longer than I initially planned but I think I have it planned out. Just know, the conversations of this chapter will be important later :)**


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia slid back into the precinct after lunch just as her CO began to brief the squad on that night's scheduled sting operation against an underground prostitution ring that had long been the subject of an undercover investigation. She listened as Declan Murphy gave marching orders until he gave one particular command that just didn't sit right in her mind.

"Lieutenant, with all due respect, I thought we were going after the pimps here, not the girls." Olivia challenged, stepping forward and crossing her arms.

"We need them flip on these guys; we won't have much of a case without their testimonies. Bring them in for prostitution, and tell them if they cooperate, then we will make a deal and drop the charges."

"But many of these girls are the victims here!" She exclaimed with a little more force than she intended. "Is arresting them the best way to show them that we're on their side?!"

"Okay, everyone. Go home. Take the afternoon off. I'll see you back here at 9pm." Murphy instructed. "Sergeant, a word?" He nodded towards his office and Olivia followed him inside.

"We need these girls to trust us! " She exclaimed, closing the door behind her. "Arresting them before we even give them a chance to talk to us is going to do nothing to accomplish that!"

"Sergeant, you are my number two. If you have a problem, I expect you to discuss with me privately, not challenge my authority in front of the entire precinct. Do I make myself clear?"

"I just... yes." Olivia backed off after seeing the look in her lieutenant's eyes that told her he was clearly not in the mood to play around today

"Okay then. And Olivia? Whatever is going on with you lately, I need you to get your head together. Now."

* * *

Olivia was thankful for the rare afternoons when she got to leave work early enough to pick Noah up from school instead of sending him to the Cragens for the afternoon until either she or Brian could come pick him up. Although Don and Eileen had been a godsend to the new mother, happily fulfilling the role of both Noah's babysitters and surrogate grandparents, and Olivia couldn't think of anyone she would trust more to take care of her son while she was working, she still treasured any opportunity to spend spontaneous time with Noah.

Olivia had taken him out for ice cream that afternoon, then to the bodega on the way home where she picked up groceries to make dinner. She figured she should cook at least once per century and show her child there was a little more to the food pyramid than Chinese takeout. She enlisted Noah to help, giving him small tasks to do until Brian walked in the door a short time later and she lost her sous chef to her boyfriend's stories from his day at the police academy.

As soon as dinner was over and the kitchen was tidied up, Olivia settled onto the couch, snuggled between Brian and Noah. They flipped through channels until coming to rest on an episode of Phineas and Ferb at Noah's insistence. The child stared intently at the TV, completely oblivious to Olivia and Brian stealing quick kisses behind him. As soon as the episode was finished, Olivia prodded her son off her lap and began to get ready to return to work.

"Mommy," Noah whined as he jumped off the couch and ran after her, tugging at her sleeve. "Where are you going?"

Olivia crouched down until she was eye level with her son "Mommy has to go catch some more bad guys. But Brian is going to tuck you in and read you a story and I will be here when you wake up, okay?" Noah nodded. She kissed his forehead and sent him off to get ready for bed so she could give Brian a proper goodbye without the chorus of "eww's" and cootie comments that he somehow picked up in first grade.

Brian wrapped his arms around her as soon as Noah was out of the room and pulled her into a passionate kiss. "I hate it when you have to work Friday nights" he mumbled against her lips once they had to come up for air.

"I do too." Olivia buried her face into the crook of his neck.

* * *

Olivia rode shotgun as Fin navigated the unmarked police car through the streets of Manhattan. She pulled out her cell phone, tapping out a quick text to check in with Brian. _"Did Noah go to sleep okay?"_

She continued to stare at her phone, scrolling through her Facebook newsfeed as she paid no attention to the scenery passing by. _"Finally. After two bedtime snacks, two bedtime stories, and a whole lot of tears... on my end."_ His reply popped up.

She smiled. _"You are ridiculous."_

_"But you love me."_ Cocky and confident, as always.

_"You know it." _She typed back.

_"Be careful tonight. I love you."_

_"I will. Love you too, babe."_ Olivia hit the send button just as she felt the car come to a stop.

"This place looks familiar..." Olivia mused as she looked around and took in her surroundings.

Fin turned to look at her. "You been here before?"

Olivia shook her head, certain that her mind was just playing tricks on her and suddenly regretting not paying more attention to the route they took to get there.

* * *

"POLICE" the brigade announced themselves as they swarmed into the premises. Olivia followed behind them, gun drawn, as officers spread out and begin to detain the individuals in the house. Olivia quickly looked around for her opportunity to contribute and caught sight of a flash of blonde hair scrambling towards a back exit. She took off after the girl, easily pinning her against the door as she tried to jerk it open.

"Oh no sweetheart, you're not going anywhere." Olivia grabbed her arm and spun her around, slapping a pair of cuffs on her in the process. When she caught site of the familiar scowl on the girl's face, she froze.

In her 20 years as a police officer, in desperate situations, terrifying situations, and even when Fin let her do the honors of arresting Lowell Harris at Sealview, Olivia had never once tripped over her Miranda rights.

Until now.

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** You guys still reading? Ready for a chapter 5? **

******Thanks, as always, for the kind reviews.**


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia stared blankly out the window as Fin drove the car back to the precinct.

"Do you want me to take you home? I'll cover for you with Murphy." He offered, his voice low enough so the male perp in the backseat wouldn't hear. Fin's heart ached for his friend, having noticed the subtle struggle in the weeks since he had summoned her to the hospital, and now seeing the pain reflected in her eyes.

Although the thought of being at home in bed with Brian right now sounded especially appealing compared to this current nightmare, Olivia couldn't bring herself to accept Fin's offer. The last thing she wanted was a repeat of that season six years ago, where her friends walked on eggshells, coddled her, and treated her like she was about to break, even when it was never too far from the truth.

Olivia sighed. "I'm fine, Fin. Just give me a minute." The remainder of the car ride was spent in silence, save for a few outburst and expletives courtesy of the backseat passenger.

* * *

"How's it going?" Olivia walked into Murphy's office and set a cup of Starbucks in front of him. She had been more than happy to volunteer to make a coffee run while her coworkers began to interrogate the suspects after she noticed her friends' eyes starting to droop and yawns involuntarily escaping. Any chance to escape the precinct to get some fresh air and clear her mind was enticing.

"Looks like a success. We've got both of the ringleaders already down at Rikers, and we picked up five girls, all of them fully cooperating except one."

"Which one?" Olivia asked hesitantly, unsure if she actually wanted to know but fearing that she already did.

Murphy gestured to the interrogation room attached to the office, where Detective Reed was sitting with a stone-faced, cross-armed girl. "Won't even give us her name. She looks familiar though. Have we picked her up before?"

Olivia shook her head, then swallowed hard and looked through the two-way mirror. "Her name is Amelia Cole." She prayed that the name alone would be enough to jog Murphy's memory and he wouldn't require any further explanation.

She watched a range of emotions play out on her lieutenant's face. Confusion, to surprise, to wide-eyed shock, then settling into concern as he looked back to Olivia. "You mean...?"

Olivia nodded, breathing a sigh of relief that he seemed to be sparing her the third degree. "Let me try talking to her."

* * *

"Oh, God. You again?" Amelia spewed as Olivia entered the interrogation room, gently closing the door behind her. She took a seat across from Amelia and folded her hands on the table.

"I just want to talk." Olivia raised her hands in some semblance of a peace offering. "You're not going to be in any trouble here if you can just tell us what you know about Joey Burgess."

"I'm not saying a word against him." Amelia insisted. "He loves me."

"Amelia, is he the one who hurt you last month? Or was it one of the johns?"

Amelia continued to glare.

"I know you've been hurt... By William Lewis, by your dad... and we know Joey has been hurting people too. Help us stop him. Please. We just want to help you." Olivia stared at Amelia, her voice gentle and her eyes full of sadness.

"I don't need your help."

"I understand that it can be really, really hard to trust people when you've been through the things I know you have, but I promise you..." Olivia tried.

Amelia stood up so quickly that her chair turned over. She leaned over the table, propped up on her arms. "No! Don't even try to tell me that you understand!" She cried.

"Yeah, Amelia... I do." Olivia retorted, rising up to mirror the younger girl's stance.

In one swift movement that caught the sergeant completely off guard, Amelia lifted her hand and slapped Olivia across the cheek.

**Hard**.

Olivia stumbled backwards, her mind instantly returning to the last time she was hit like this, six years before.

Before she could react, the door burst open and two uniformed officers swarmed in, restraining the teenager. Olivia looked back and took one last, hard look at Amelia as she stumbled towards the door. The anger she saw burning in her eyes was so painfully familiar.

As emotional tears threatened to mix with the involuntary ones brought on by her stinging face, Olivia quickly exited the interrogation room. She caught sight of a crowd of coworkers standing at the window, certainly having seen the entire outburst. They turned to look at her when she walked past, shooting her looks of pity that were all too familiar. She stared straight ahead, humiliated, and determined to remain void of visible emotion until she was safely alone.

* * *

A short time later, Fin noticed Olivia return to her desk, and begin to stare blankly at her DD5's. He walked up beside her and placed one hand on her shoulder, handing her a bag of ice with the other. "That eye's lookin a little rough. Thought you might need this." He offered as he took a seat beside her.

"Thanks." She nodded, holding the icepack up to her already-bruising cheek.

"We're holding her on the prostitution charge. We'll add assaulting a cop onto that." Fin reassured.

"No." Olivia held up her free hand. "Don't. I'm fine."

"Liv..." Fin started. "She hit you in the interrogation room, and she was already in some serious trouble before that. She's not a kid anymore."

"I know that, Fin." Olivia sighed.

"So what do you want to do?"

"We've still got her on the original charges. Go ahead and book her for that. Maybe a night in jail will change her mind. If nothing else, it will keep her safe and off the streets tonight. I'll talk to Barba tomorrow."

* * *

Olivia made it home just as the beginnings of sunrise started to peek over the Manhattan skyline. She stopped briefly in Noah's room, watching him sleep peacefully before heading into her own bedroom and dissolving into bed beside Brian.

Olivia normally went to great lengths to avoid waking up her bedmate when she came and went in the middle of the night, but tonight was different. She needed to feel him; she needed him to ground her like he had so many times before. She inched over and wrapped an arm around his torso, cuddling into him. Olivia felt him stir and buried her head further into his chest, praying he wouldn't notice her swollen eye and angry cheek for at least a few more hours.

"Hey you." He said sleepily as he hugged her against him and placed a chaste kiss on the top of her head. "Did you just get home?"

Instantly forgetting about hiding her injury and fending off the impending questions until she had at least a few hours of sleep, Olivia picked her head up and reciprocated against his lips. When she finally pulled away, she heard Brian gasp. Damn it.

"God, Liv, what happened?!" Brian exclaimed as he brought a hand up to brush her hair out of her face and lightly run it across her sore cheek. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Had an uncuffed suspect in the interrogation room and she took a swing at me."

"Please tell me you collared the bitch for it." Brian steamed.

"Bri, can we not talk about this right now?" Olivia reached up and pulled his hand away from where it rested on her cheek, lacing her fingers through his.

"Okay, babe." He responded, in a tone that implied that this conversations was anything but over, but that he would give her a reprieve until morning. He pulled her closer and ran his fingers through her hair until he felt her relax. "Get some sleep."

* * *

**We've just got to get through the bad until we get to the happy ending... promise. Thanks for the feedback. knowing that you all are reading and enjoying gives me motivation to keep writing quickly! **

**And I promise... A new chapter of Breaking Even is coming soon too, I've just been on a roll after finally figuring where I want this story to go!**


	6. Chapter 6

After the third time she was mistaken for being Noah's grandmother, Olivia had given up on ever being a well-accepted member of the inner circle of parents on her six year old's T-ball team. Although she knew it was completely feasible for her to have a grandchild his age, and to the general observer, reasonable to assume so, the questions still made her a little uncomfortable. And so, most Saturday mornings, Olivia was content to spread out her blanket a short distance away from the bleachers and spend the time with Brian, enjoying the humor that came from watching six year olds attempt to play organized sports.

"Are you going to tell me what happened last night?" Brian finally broke the silence, asking the question she knew had been on the tip of his tongue all morning.

"Brian, it's no big deal. I got hit, that's all." She explained, although certain that her response would fail to satisfy his inquisition. She had spent quite awhile in front of the mirror that morning, experimenting with concealer and finally coming up with a concoction that successfully abated an interrogation from Noah but still garnered concerned looks from Brian.

"And you don't want to press charges?" Brian pushed, and Olivia shook her head in response. "Why?"

Olivia sighed, knowing that Brian had no intentions of letting this go. "Because it was Amelia. I couldn't. You know what Lewis did to her."

Brian cocked his head and paused for quite awhile before finally choosing his words very carefully. "No, Liv, I don't. I don't know what he did to either of you."

Olivia knew his comment wasn't stemming from bitterness, or resentment, or hurtful motives. It was the truth, plain and simple. But knowing that didn't make it sting any less.

Much to her relief, she looked up and caught sight of Noah sprinting towards them, launching himself into her lap. He looked up at her with a wild grin on his face. "Ethan and Will are going to get pizza! Can we go too?"

Saved by the kid.

* * *

Olivia rushed Noah off to school, then slipped into the precinct just in time for Lieutenant Murphy to start his Monday morning briefing. "Nice work this weekend, everyone. Joey Burgess and his partner were arraigned yesterday, both denied bail and are being remanded at Rikers. Barba will be in touch this week with more details about court proceedings."

"What about Amelia Cole?" Olivia asked hesitantly.

"She still won't testify against the pimps, so the charges stand. Bail was set high. Still at Rikers as far as I know."

"Let me try again." Olivia pleaded.

"Sergeant, I'm not so sure I should let you anywhere near this case."

Rollins chose this moment to chime in on Olivia's behalf. "Lieutenant, with all due respect, you let Sergeant Benson stay on the Lewis case, and she shouldn't have been anywhere near that either if we're standing on principle. We want this girl to talk, and Liv is our best shot. If this works, there's not even a case against her."

"Fine, then. But Rollins, go with her, and if I hear of anything to make me regret this decision, then you are both are off this case and in serious trouble. I don't want to give the pimp's defense any grounds for appeal. Do I make myself clear?"

Olivia nodded and shot Amanda a look of endless gratitude.

* * *

Olivia laid in bed that night, her mind reflecting on the conversation that had started and abruptly ended at the park two days before. Brian sat beside her, leaned against the headboard with his laptop open to the mock reports his academy students had written. Olivia gazed up at him with sadness in her eyes. He had been so, so good to her these last eight years, and she knew she had been anything but easy to put up with.

"Hey Brian?" She finally worked up the nerve to initiate this inevitable conversation that had been lurking in the back of mind for the last six years, weighing heavily the past two days especially.

"Hmm?" He replied, not looking up from the screen.

"Can you turn that off?" She requested timidly.

"I'm almost done."

"Brian." Olivia began to push, knowing that her boldness was fading by the second and if this didn't happen now, in her fleeting moment of courage, it likely never would.

"Come on Liv, just give me two more minutes and I'll turn the light off."

"I want to talk."

Those were the magic words, as "talking" was rarely something Olivia Benson outright expressed the need to do. He closed the laptop without a second thought and slid down to lay next to her. "Okay...? What's going on?"

"Are you angry at me? For never telling you everything that happened?" She blurted out.

The question hit him out of left field. His first instinct was to insist he wasn't, that everything was fine and dandy and he didn't care. But that wasn't the truth. They had both learned long ago that the secret to making their relationship work was honesty. No more hiding, and no more avoiding hard conversations.

"No." He finally answered. "Not angry. I just wish you trusted me, you know?"

"I do trust you, Brian... It's not about that."

"Then help me understand why this thing with Amelia is such a big deal to you?" Brian questioned.

"Can you turn off the light?" It felt like a silly request. She couldn't handle Brian seeing the struggle it took for her to open this door, couldn't stand to watch his reaction to what she was about to offer, and certainly didn't want to look him in the eyes in the process. The darkness carried some sense of self-preservation.

Brian, however, had a different interpretation. He reached over and flipped the lamp off, assuming that he had somehow ruined this unprecedented moment of transparency. He fell back against the pillow and settled for bed, until Olivia's voice once again broke the silence and started into a story he never expected to hear.

* * *

**Cliffhanger, again! I I know this is such a tease of a chapter, but this is definitely a "to be continued" chapter because it was getting longer than I like to keep them. But I promise, the next chapter WILL pick up with this conversation! **

**Please leave your feedback! Comments always get this done faster ;)**


	7. Chapter 7

"Liv, you don't have to do this." Brian cautioned. He could feel the subtle moment beside him as she nodded. Although he was anxious for this information, and felt like he had been waiting a lifetime to finally be let in, the last thing he wanted to do was to push her to have this conversation when it would only lead to bitterness and resentment in the future.

"It was the Monday morning after you moved out. Lewis called me from the cell phone of a nurse he attacked when he escaped." Olivia paused. "I think part of me was hoping that it was you calling, you know? That you'd realized we made a mistake and missed me as much as I was missing you."

The words cut Brian's heart like a knife. Guilt over not being there for Olivia during the ordeal, not being able to protect her, had eaten him alive in the following months. He reached out and found her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze as if to silently communicate the self-blame that consumed him in the current moment.

"I got to the squad room and everyone was already there, panicking. Murphy came in and took over and it was all just a blur. They wouldn't let me do anything, like they were scared I was going to break or something. Rollins and Murphy and Nick ended up at the Cole's house and found the mom's body. Amelia's sister was cut and burned and raped and tied up in the closet."

Brian had the scars spotting Olivia memorized well enough to know that the assault on Lauren she was describing was strikingly similar to what she herself had experienced. The thoughts alone were enough to make him cringe.

"Lauren kept telling the squad that she needed to talk to me, and Murphy had chained me to the precinct working on the tip line. But Rollins went behind his back and texted me telling me I needed to get to the hospital. Lauren told me that Lewis had Amelia and that he wanted me to tell everyone the truth. That's why I did it. Everyone told me it was stupid, that he was just playing me but I didn't have any other choice. He was using a twelve year old girl to get to me. It was either my pride or her life." Olivia felt the tears begin to well up in her eyes.

"I slipped my detail that night. Lewis texted me a picture of Amelia and told me I had to come alone. Everyone was upset at me for going, but what was I supposed to do, Brian?"

Her breathing became tachypnic and erratic, and not without notice. Brian reached out and pulled her close to him, bringing her head to rest on his chest. "Do you want to keep going?"

"Yeah." She choked out. "Give me a second." The rise and fall of his chest combined with the steady vibration of his heartbeat calmed her, and after a few minutes of simply resting in Brian's embrace, she shakily continued.

"I went to meet him and he shoved me in the car and just drove me around all night, taunting me...all about what he did to Lauren, what he was planning for Amelia... and me. He kept talking about you and how he bet you weren't around anymore, that you couldn't love me after everything he had done."

Brian wasn't typically an emotional man, but hearing how Lewis had used their relationship and separation to further damage Olivia's confidence was nearly more than he could handle. He hugged her tightly, as if to wordlessly communicate just how far his accusation was from the truth.

"I just kept telling him that we'd made a deal, he was supposed to take me to Amelia, and he finally did. She looked so scared Bri, and Lewis told her over and over again to look at me, that I was the reason she was there. Like he planned all along to let me live and have to live with that forever. He gave me a choice: He could rape her and make me watch, or do me first and have her watch."

"God, Liv. I'm so sorry." Brian blurted out. What she had chosen wasn't even a question in his mind; he knew without a shadow of a doubt that Olivia's dedication to serve and protect extended even to self-sacrifice.

"He didn't, though. He got close, had my... pants down... and his hands... and I was cuffed to the table... and he kept yelling at Amelia to keep her eyes open...and watch... she saw... I just gave up. It wasn't even worth fighting. But Lewis gets off on the struggle, and when I didn't fight, he got bored."

Brian breathed a sigh of a relief. Although he knew her assault had been incredibly detrimental, he was comforted to know that she had been spared what he knew would have been, in her mind, the ultimate violation. It was a small blessing in the eye of a violent storm.

"He told me he had a new game. He slid me his revolver and we played Russian Roulette. The last bullet should have been was mine. I thought I was dead, Bri, and all I kept thinking about was how I would never be able to fix things with you. He turned the gun on himself at the last minute but he still managed to make it look like I shot him. I'd told Amelia to look away, so she couldn't back me up when it came to IAB and the grand jury. My squad got there right after, and honestly, everything after that is still a blur. I just remember seeing Rollins untie Amelia, and Nick zipping my pants up and uncuffing me and telling me over and over I was going to be okay."

"Liv..." Brian ran his fingers through her hair as she caught her breath against his chest. "You are incredible, you know that? I'm so proud of you, babe."

As if she could read his mind, Olivia migrated to the topic that was simmering in Brian's head. "I know that you still have a lot of questions about what happened those other four days he... had me. And one day, we'll get there. But it's not about trusting you. It's just hard."

Brian nodded, his vocabulary suddenly failing him as he tried to rapidly process through the information he had become privy to. He felt like a tongue tied teenager on a first date. "I know," was the eloquence that escaped from his lips.

"It just... I don't want you to be able to picture him doing those... things... to me. I don't want you to be scared to touch me or for that to be what you're thinking about when we're in bed. Maybe I'm protecting you, and maybe I'm protecting myself. Probably both. But you left SVU because you couldn't handle the victims. So who's to say that if I told you every little detail, that you would still want to handle me?"

Brian gave her another squeeze, at a complete loss for words, anything to convince her that regardless of what Lewis had or hadn't done, he wasn't going to run. "Because I love you." He gave up on an elaborate explanation and just stated the truth.

"One day, Bri. I'm not going to forget. We may be 80 years old, but one day, we'll finish this conversation. I'm just not ready yet."

"I see what you're trying to do here. Wait until I'm old and senile and I can't even remember my name. You can tell me because I'll just forget, right?" Brian grinned, taking a leap of faith to lighten the mood and praying she appreciated the ill-placed humor.

And then, Olivia did something than warmed his heart. She laughed. (along with a solid punch to the gut that he certainly could have done without)

"God, I hate you sometimes."

* * *

**Another short and sweet, but a quick update at least :)**

**This isn't exactly how I planned for this to turn out, but i hope that you all are happy with it. Are you? The next chapter will resume with Amelia and Murphy and everyone else.**

**(Ps - yes I am a nurse, and yes I did just use the word tachypnic in a story. ridiculous)**


	8. Chapter 8

The next afternoon, Sergeant Benson and Detective Rollins finally had enough of a lull in their caseload to make Olivia's requested trip over to Rikers to see Amelia Cole. As the pair checked their guns at the desk, Olivia nodded towards a row of chairs and insisted Amanda wait there.

"But Murphy said-"

"I know what he said, Rollins. Just trust me."

Olivia walked into the visitation room, alone, and sat down anxiously at the table. The guard led an orange-clad girl in, and she watched a look of surprise cross Amelia's face when she discovered the identity of her visitor.

"They said there was someone here to see me. I wasn't expecting it to be you."

"How are you doing, Amelia?" Olivia asked tenderly. She had played this hypothetical conversation in her head over and over again the last few days, but was suddenly finding articulate words very hard to come by. She came prepared for a fight, but prayed a few days in jail had softened the girl's attitude.

"Orange is the new black, right?" Amelia laughed bitterly, with Olivia making an awkward effort to join in. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm trying to get you out of here. I know the DA, I can talk to him. If you help us, we can get you a good deal. Maybe even drop the charges completely." Olivia offered.

"Okay... what do you want?" Amelia sat back and crossed her arms.

"We need you to tell us what you know about Joey and his prostitution ring. Probably testify."

Amelia shook her head. "I'm not turning on them. They're good to me. Always made sure I had food and somewhere to live. They took care of me..." Amelia insisted.

"Amelia... Is this the kind of life you pictured for yourself, when you were twelve years old? Is this what your mom would have wanted for you?"

Amelia took a moment to ponder Olivia's question, slowly nodding her understanding.

"Just... think about it. Me... my squad.. We want to help you. Get you out of here, help you get clean and maybe even into school. I am so, so sorry for what happened to your family, and I'm sorry that you got caught in the crossfire between me and Lewis. I know I can never make that up to you, but let me help you now." Olivia nearly pleaded.

"They said I hit you the other night, or something." Amelia changed the subject. "Sorry. Must've been a bad line of coke. I don't really remember."

"You're forgiven. I knew that wasn't you." Olivia stated matter-of-factly, and it was the honest truth.

"Maybe it was." Amelia shrugged.

* * *

Amanda nearly ambushed Olivia when she finally exited the visiting room. "Well...?"

Olivia sighed. "I don't know. It might be a start."

The pair stepped outside and Olivia pulled out her phone to check the time. When she realized it was already after 5:30 and she still had to stop back by the precinct, she tapped out a quick text to Brian._ "Hey babe. I'll be late tonight. Can you handle dinner for you and Noah?"_

* * *

Olivia turned her key and pushed open the door, so thankful to finally be home and see her boys. She wandered into the living room and her eyes landed on quite a sight to behold. She only wished she had her phone easily accessible to snap a picture, knowing full well that Brian would absolutely kill her later on if she did.

The boys were both sprawled out on the couch, Brian in his boxers and Noah in the superhero underwear that he was so proud of. Brian casually sipped a beer and Noah mirrored his actions, gripping a can of soda with both hands. A mess of candy and popcorn and Chinese takeout blanketed the coffee table, and Olivia inwardly groaned at the sugar rush she knew was impending.

"And what are you two up to?" She she said, trying to keep a straight face as she finally won their attention away from the Yankees game.

"Brian said this is man time! No girls allowed!" Noah announced gleefully.

"Oh?" Olivia raised her eyebrows, as Brian returned a sheepish grin. "Well then, I'll just leave you men alone."

Olivia wandered into the bedroom to change out of her work clothes with Brian close behind her. "Uhh, Liv? I..." He rubbed the back of his neck.

"Brian, it's fine. I'm just glad he has you to have 'man time' with, you know?"

Olivia had often questioned whether she was doing the right thing by still allowing Noah to call Brian by his name instead of introducing the term "Daddy" to his vocabulary. Brian was the only father he had ever known, and he loved the child like his own. But when Noah was learning to talk, it was enough of a mental struggle for Olivia to refer to herself as "Mommy", as the arrangement was not yet permanent and Olivia had the justified habit of catastrophizing. Every good thing in her life had always come to an end, and to have a baby learn her as Mama, then be ripped out of her custody would have only made the separation more devastating. It had taken a lot of convincing, and even some behind-the-scenes teaching from Brian, but the first time she heard "Mama" come out of Noah's mouth, she fell even more in love with the boy who would soon become permanently her son.

That was still early in their relationship, and he took great joy in having taught Noah to say "Brian", not even suggesting a paternal title for himself. By the time it had become mutually clear that this relationship was endgame, a four-year-old Noah was babbling away about "Bwian" and the discussion had never been reopened, but it didn't stop Olivia from often wondering how Brian felt about the arrangement.

She snapped her thoughts back to the present and moved closer to him, trying to abate the twinge of guilt that had unexpectedly washed over her. "Besides... you look pretty cute in your underwear." She teased as she slipped her fingers under the waistband of his boxers.

"Easy, Benson." He swatted her hands away and leaned in, letting his whispered breath tickle her ear. "Save that for after bedtime."

* * *

**roadtrip with the family means lots of writing time! Last chapter didn't get too much love, and honesty, I wasn't super thrilled with it either, but it was important for the story. I am much happier with this one, and I hope you are too!**

**reviews are great!**


	9. Chapter 9

A low roll of thunder drew Olivia out of that transient stage between sleep and alertness. She wiggled out of Brian's embrace and stumbled out of bed, giving him a few swift kicks in the process.

"Liv..." He groaned. "What are you doing?"

"Get dressed." She commanded as she picked up the articles of clothing strewn around the bedroom. Olivia slipped on a pair of sleep shorts and the shirt that her boyfriend had earlier discarded.

"Whyyyy?" Brian whined.

"Because. It's storming outside, and you know if it wakes Noah up, he's going to come in here with us. And I am NOT explaining to a six year old why Mommy and Daddy are in bed without clothes on." _Daddy... the word slipped out._

"Mmm... well right now, it unfortunately looks to me like you have clothes on." A smirk spread across his face. Either he didn't notice her Freudian slip, or he chose not to touch it.

"Brian!" She hissed, tossing his boxers toward the bed and hitting him square in the head.

"Okay, okay." He grumbled as he peeled the shorts off of his face and slid them on. Olivia smiled sweetly as she walked back over to the bed, intentionally crawling in on his side so she had to climb over him and give a little rewarding tease.

Brian grabbed her hips and pulled Olivia down on top of him, firmly wrapping his arms around her torso and holding her in place. "Hi," He whispered as he smiled up at her and planted a kiss on her lips.

"Let me go!" She giggled as she squirmed free.

Her heart was full. Tonight had been the couple's first intimate contact since Olivia had opened up to Brian. Although she knew that none of the information she revealed was especially risky in comparison to what she still held inside, it nevertheless made her nervous. Nervous that Brian would look at her differently, treat her differently. But he didn't, and she loved him all the more for it. He was a good man.

Another crack of thunder sounded, this time loud enough she was certain it woke Noah. Like clockwork, the bedroom door creaked open and a tiny set of footsteps padded across the hardwood floor and squeezed into bed between Olivia and Brian.

"Hey baby..." Olivia soothed as she rubbed Noah's back. "Did that storm wake you up?" She picked her head up and looked across at Brian, shooting him a glaring look of "I-told-you-so."

* * *

The next morning, Olivia detoured to the DA's office on her way into the precinct. If she was going to dangle a deal in front of Amelia's face, she needed to know exactly what hypothetical offer would be on the table.

She stood in the doorway and knocked twice on the open door of the office he kept as pristine and sophisticated as his wardrobe. Rafael Barba was no Alex Cabot or Casey Novak, but he had become a great friend to her in a different way, and she was glad he had stuck around her motley crew as long as he had.

The ADA was then only friend of hers to know the full extend of Lewis's mark on her. Most of her squad was excluded from being present when she testified by default, having been called as witnesses themselves. She had fiercely insisted that the others, and Brian, stay away from the courtroom on the day she openly recounted those personal details. But Barba, he was the prosecutor on the case and was insistent that she tell him everything so there were no surprises during the trial. She understood.

She had spent a full December afternoon in his office, choking out memories of her four days in pure hell. She told him about her apartment, the Mayer's house, the beach house... the bathroom. He had listened to her, encouraged her, and even shed a few tears alongside her moment of breakdown.

He knew more humiliating details about what had happened to her than any other human being besides the two who were actually present, and he had never once treated her differently for it. Instead of coddling her, he truly laid into her during the trial when he found out she had omitted the presence of Viva and Luisa Nunez at the beach house. He hadn't even let her off easy when she brought a weak case against a comedian to him and ruined the prosecution's case during her testimony, even after she blamed it on still being skittish in her first time on the stand since her own trial.

In truth, it always gave her a glimmer of confidence that one day, she could also share those details with the man she loved.

"Sergeant Benson," the counselor welcomed her warmly, "What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to talk to you about the Joey Burgess case."

"Oh? Your squad did some nice work there. We have a pretty solid case against the two men running the ring."

"Good." She nodded. "Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Amelia Cole."

Barba opened the folder on his desk and flipped through the case file. "One of the girls who was picked up in the bust... Being held on a prostitution charge. Hasn't made bail yet." He looked back up at her. "Okay?"

"I want to get her to talk. Turn on the guys. Testify. I told her that you would probably be willing to make a deal if she did, maybe drop the charges?"

"What's your interest here?" He asked suspiciously, picking up that this wasn't just any ordinary investment.

Olivia sighed. She had hoped that either Barba would already know the situation, or that he wouldn't ask questions. She wasn't so lucky. "Do you remember... when William Lewis escaped, and kidnapped a twelve year old girl to get me to go after him? It's her."

"And you're still on this case?!" He roared, slamming his pen down on the desk. Olivia nodded, a little frightened by the sudden outburst. "Sergeant, if you throw this case for us..."

"I know, I know." She held up her hands in surrender. "Believe me, I want to win this as much as you do. I want to get justice for her. I'm almost sure she has been involved in this for awhile, and she just turned eighteen, so she was pimped out underage. If we can get her to say that, we may be able to get them on even more that we already have."

Barba slowly nodded, his ears perking up at the idea of more ammunition in their case but still not looking entirely convinced. "So, what are you asking me?"

"Come to Rikers with me and talk to her about a deal."

* * *

**I'm cranking out the chapters in this one, but promise I'll get around to another update of black & white and breaking even one of these days. Really trying to take all of your comments and suggestions into account in writing this, so if you have any, I'd love to hear them!**


	10. Chapter 10

"Thanks for doing this." Olivia handed Rafael Barba his favorite coffee concoction as he walked up to where she waited for him outside the courthouse.

"Don't thank me yet," Barba warned. "I can't do anything unless she gives me something good enough to convince the DA to drop the charges. I looked into it last night and apparently, the pimps are now claiming she was involved completely out of her own accord and even helped them recruit new girls. I don't believe everything they say, but she might be deeper involved in this than any of the other girls.

Olivia closed her eyes and blew out a deep breath. She chose to remain hopeful that nearly a week in jail was enough to break Amelia's tough girl act and revert her to the sweet demeanor she prayed was still buried somewhere inside. "Let's just go." she said as she gestured toward the squad car.

* * *

Olivia stood beside the ADA's chair as the prison guard once again led Amelia into the consultation room.

She introduced Barba, then nodded goodbye to Amelia before excusing herself from the room. As much as she wanted to be an active participant in this conversation, she knew her involvement in this case was under close scrutiny and didn't want to give any appearance of impropriety. She would have to settle for watching through the camera.

"So, if I rat everything to you guys, that means I can get out of here?" Amelia leaned back and crossed her arms as that same scowl remained on her face, but Olivia thought she could hear a hint of desperation in her voice.

"You answer my questions, and this will work out much better for you than it's going to if you don't." He answered. Leave it to the lawyer to never make promises.

Amelia rolled her eyes. "Fine."

"Miss Cole." Barba warned before beginning his line of questioning. "Tell me how you met Joey Burgess?"

"Umm... I was fifteen. Maybe sixteen, somewhere around there. I was living in a group home. I had a friend there who aged out but she would keep in touch with some of us. She asked me if I wanted to make some money. I was dirt broke, so I snuck out with her one night."

Barba scribbled furiously on his notepad, soaking in every bit of information Amelia offered. "I need the name of this friend."

"Destiny Pratt. Don't worry about looking for her, though. She's dead. Overdosed last year."

"Were you forced to be there or could you have left anytime you wanted." Barba continued his interrogation.

Amelia shrugged. "I don't really know. I never tried; I didn't have anywhere else to go." Amelia furrowed her brow, as if trying to weigh the risks of what she was about to add. "There was another girl who kept telling Joey she wanted out last year. He roughed her up pretty good at the house a couple times, then one time I saw him shove her in the car. Never saw her again after that."

"What was this girl's name?"

Amelia looked around and bit her lip. "Listen, if they find out it was me that told you this, they'll come after me too." She said in a hushed voice. After Barba gave her the spiel about police protection, and further emphasized the importance of this in her hypothetical deal, she gave in. "Josie Smithson."

"Bingo." Olivia thought to herself. They had worked the case. She knew the death was thought to be suspicious, possibly connected to a trafficking ring, but her squad had been unable to connect the dots. If Amelia's story held up, that was her ticket out.

Barba continued to ask questions, furiously scribbling down the details that Amelia offered with her normal prickly demeanor. He finally flipped his legal pad closed and stood up. "Thank you, Miss Cole. I will take this information to the DA and will let you know something tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?!" Amelia cried. "I have to stay in here another night?" Olivia thought she saw some semblance of tears begin to accumulate in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Barba responded in a much more compassionate way than Olivia was used to seeing from the counselor. "I'll let you know something as soon as I can."

* * *

Olivia refrained from bombarding the ADA the second he exited the room, waiting instead for the car ride back.

"Did she give you what you needed?" She finally asked.

Barba nodded. "It's a high profile case, especially if this connection to the Smithson murder checks out, so I have to run it by my supervisor first. But I think we should be able to work something out."

"Do you think he'll let you drop the charges?" Olivia pushed.

"I'm going to recommend probation, and mandatory drug rehab. And Olivia, I know you were lead on the Smithson case, but I'm warning you again: tread carefully on both of these cases now."

Olivia reached over and gave the counselor a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. "Thank you."

* * *

After she dropped Barba off, Olivia pulled out her phone and dialed a familiar number to deliver some good news.

"Liv!"

"Hey Nick." She smiled at how much happier her former partner sounded now that he lived on the West Coast. He had never managed to reconcile with Maria, but had rekindled a romance with Cynthia and married her two years before. After Nick's mother passed away, there was little to tie them to the city, and they were all were itching for a fresh start. Nick had requested a transfer to LAPD and moved his family to be close to Zara last summer.

"How are you? How's the kid?" It had been way too long since the two had caught up.

"I'm good, Noah's good... so is Brian." Olivia threw in the comment just to antagonize her former partner. Her boyfriend had only moved up from 'least favorite person in the world' status after Nick met the new man Amanda briefly dated after their relationship ended.

"Well, you just make sure lover boy knows that if he screws with you, I'll still be on the next plane over to kick his ass."

"I will." She laughed. "Hey, do you remember that case we worked on last year? Josie Smithson? I was just calling to tell you I think we have a new lead. I thought you would be happy to hear."

"That's great, Liv. What did you guys find?"

Olivia didn't feel like fielding the questions that the whole story would undoubtedly provoke, so she figured the less details, the better. "Working a case against a prostitution ring. One of the girls wanted a deal so she talked. Looks like the murder was connected to this pimp we collared."

* * *

**Two story updates in one day! I'm feeling ambitious. I have a lot of the scattered "big" scenes in this story finished up, now I just have to string them all together. **

**Any and all feedback and constructive criticism appreciated! I'll be honest, I am trying as hard as I can to keep the legal stuff accurate but I may be a little bit off. I just know what I pick up from the show, so feel free to correct any wrong details. (But to those wondering whether Olivia should be on this case all... I do have a plan for that!)**


	11. Chapter 11

After an afternoon spent anxiously holding her breath, Olivia finally got the call she had been waiting for. The DA had approved Amelia's deal. A year of probation and random urine testing plus mandated drug and alcohol rehabilitation were offered in exchange for her expected cooperation in the ongoing investigations and her testimony at Joey Burgess' trial.

Olivia spent the next morning in constant communication with social services, frantically trying to find a placement for Amelia when she was released from jail later that day. By some miracle, there was a room opening at St. Bernadine's Halfway House, and Olivia scrambled to secure it for Amelia.

As Olivia and Amanda pulled up to the halfway house with Amelia and the suitcase they had carefully chaperoned her packing up at the crime scene she called her previous residence in tow, the sergeant had an uneasy feeling of nostalgia wash over her. It had been six years since the last time she brought a charge to this particular recovery center.

Ellie Porter.

She reminded herself to hug Noah extra close tonight.

* * *

"This is your room." Olivia announced as she pushed open the door to a residence in the back of the house.

Amelia furrowed her brow and dropped the suitcase she was carrying onto the floor. "This place is the size of a shoebox. Smells like shit too."

Olivia sighed. This girl was piece of work.

"It's not that bad. " Amanda chimed in. "If you hung some curtains and opened up the blinds, it might be pretty nice in here."

Amelia rolled her eyes. Amanda then took the opportunity to excuse herself from the room, citing the need to confirm that the paperwork was in order with the center's staff and leaving Olivia alone with Amelia for a brief second.

"We'll let you get settled. I'll check back in with you in a couple days, okay? Call me if you need anything."

"Sergeant Benson?" Amelia called just as Olivia wrapped her hand around the doorknob.

She turned around and leaned against the doorframe. "Call me Olivia." The older woman smiled.

For the first time since their reintroduction a month ago, Amelia returned her smile. It was tiny and forced and rather unconvincing, but it was an effort nonetheless. "Thanks."

* * *

Olivia turned off the light and gently shut the door to Noah's room as she retreated back to where Brian sat in the living room grading papers. She plopped on the couch beside him, stealing a couple sips of his beer in the process.

"You get Noah to go to sleep without a fight?"

"Hope so." Olivia shrugged.

The pair sat in what Olivia assumed to be comfortable silence, haphazardly gazing at the TV until Brian ventured to open his mouth. "Hey Liv... Can I ask you something?" She turned to face him, giving her full attention. Truthfully, the last thing she wanted tonight was the weighty conversation she now felt coming on; she and Brian had more than their normal share of those lately. But she knew she had been the subject of more of them than not, so she felt she owed him his two cents.

Brian awkwardly stuttered through his next statement. "I wasn't going to say anything, because I knew it was a slip, but I can't stop wondering. The other night... when it was storming. You said... Daddy?"

Damn it. He had definitely noticed.

"Brian..." She leaned against his shoulder and trailed off as she tried to plan how to articulate exactly what was running through her mind. "I guess... ah..." She reached for his hand and laced her fingers through his.

"I never really know how to introduce him to people, or when people see his picture in my office and ask, what am I supposed to say? 'This is my girlfriend's kid'? ... 'This is my stepson'? I usually just avoid calling him anything, you know? 'This is Noah.' Hell, half the time I don't even know what to call you."

"Call him your son, Bri." Olivia finally answered, running her thumb across his knuckles. "I know we've never really said it, but you're the only father he's ever known... You've been as much of a parent to him as I have. If you want him to call you daddy, you deserve it."

"That doesn't really matter to me. Brian's fine; I don't want to confuse him. Besides, 'Dad' makes me sound old." He grinned.

"Gee, thanks." She rolled her eyes and drilled a playful punch into his arm. "And as for me and you... we're just..." She shrugged. "Us. I'm not planning to go anywhere. Is it important to give it a title?"

Brian looked at her and finally shook his head, giving her a quick squeeze around the shoulder and a peck on the temple. "Nah. I'm not going anywhere either."


	12. Chapter 12

The precinct bustled with action as it often did on Monday mornings. Olivia begrudgingly walked through the doors, setting her purse and case files at her desk before meeting the rest of the squad in Murphy's office to plan out the day. Weekends always ended too soon - especially ones spent lazily with Brian and Noah.

Murphy assigned Olivia and Fin to begin reinvestigating the Josie Smithson case with the new information they had obtained the week before. He had warned Olivia once again to tread carefully on this case, directing a subsequent warning to Fin as well, much to Olivia's dismay. She had been doing this for twenty years. She didn't need a babysitter; She knew how to maintain propriety and professionalism in an open investigation regardless of the parties involved. She had worked cases involving the children of her coworkers, her boyfriend, even her captain. This was no different in her eyes.

The morning flew by with minimal progress in the case. Each dead end lead grew her frustration more and more. She buried her nose in her paperwork until a voice from across the room startled her out of her head.

"Hey, Liv, we're heading out for lunch. You coming?" Fin called to her as he stood by his desk with two other detectives.

"You guys go ahead." She waved them off.

* * *

Olivia looked down and tapped her fingers against the porcelain of her coffee mug. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe she should have just gone to lunch with her squad. What was she doing here? She looked back up and immediately regretted doing so as she was met with a cold, hard stare. A cool spring breeze rustled the trees shading the courtyard where Olivia sat on a bench beside a certain disgruntled teenager.

"So, have you gotten settled in here?" Olivia finally asked, fishing for something, anything to break the silence.

Amelia narrowed her eyes, clearly picking up on Olivia's discomfort and ready to ditch the small talk and cut to the chase. "Look, you got something you need to say to help you sleep at night, then just say it. But I don't need you to save me, and I sure as hell am not going to be your charity case."

Olivia felt the sting of those words settle in. She was a cop, and to a select population, that made her one of the most hated people in NYC. She's been chewed out, verbally assaulted, and even taken a physical beating or two. Something made this so, so different.

"Look, Amelia, I'd do anything to change what happened. Your mom... your sister... you... I'll never be able to forgive myself for getting your family involved in my mess. I don't blame you for hating me, but give me a chance to make this right."

"I don't hate you." Amelia snapped, much to her surprise. Olivia was taken aback by the admission, tongue tied by the words that so blatantly contradicted the actions of a girl who had so far seemed completely disinterested, even hostile towards any attempt the sergeant made.

The two women sat still. Olivia taking in this sudden and unexpected breakthrough. She went back to tapping on her coffee mug, the gentle pattering filling the heavy silence.

"People just don't get it, you know? They tell you they're sorry, to tell them if they can do anything for you, it'll get better, all kinds of bullshit. But then, where are they a month later when you have to go back to school and all anyone cares about is just stupid shit that doesn't matter. And everyone just goes on with their perfect little lives and nobody cares anymore." Amelia began to wave a white flag to her bitterness.

"Believe me. I know." Olivia admitted, running her hand across her face. Oh boy, did she know.

"What do you know? Where were you?!" The girl shrieked, now drawing the attention of bystanders.

So that's what this whole thing was about.

Olivia reached out and placed a hand on Amelia's forearm. To her surprise, the girl made no attempt to pull away. "You're right." She said softly, her voice laced with guilt. "I screwed up. I should have been there."

It was as if something inside Amelia snapped. Olivia wasn't sure what had triggered it, but it was if all the hurt and anger and bitterness she had held inside for the last six years began to unravel. She watched as Amelia's eyes glossed over, the tears brimming her eyes and spilling over to trace lines down her cheeks. Her breathing faded from angry and labored to escalating sobs, mirrored by her shaking shoulders. Olivia tentatively wrapped an arm around her shoulder, and when she still made no effort to withdraw, she pulled her in. "I am so sorry, honey..." She soothed over and again as she allowed Amelia to soak her sleeve with tears. Olivia fought back tears of her own, determined not to fall apart. Not here, not now.

"But now, it's like, if I don't think about it and I don't talk about it, I can almost pretend it never happened." Amelia choked out.

"But it did happen." Olivia said softly, channelling those words that Dr. Lindstrom had spoken to her so many times before.

"He was actually pretty nice to me." Amelia sat up and wiped the streaks of mascara from her cheeks with the cuff of her sleeve. "Gave me some pills and some vodka, but he never touched me. Not like what he did to Lauren... or you."

Olivia's heart dropped. She had always chosen to believe that maybe, just maybe, Amelia had turned away in those moments. Maybe she hadn't seen the way Lewis had groped her, the way he had shoved his hands where they didn't belong. Her cheeks flushed in misplaced embarrassment.

_Tap, tap, tap. _

Amelia looked over to Olivia with a tear-stained face. The sergeant wanted so badly to say something, but her gut told her to stay still. True to her intuition, Amelia spoke up once again. "How do you do it? How are you so okay after everything?"

"There will always be good days and bad days. But the more effort you put into your recovery, going through counseling, the more time that passes... you start to have more good days and less and less bad days. It wasn't easy. Sometimes it still isn't. And for me, having my son around and having to keep it together for him, that made a difference."

"You have kids?" Amelia asked with a look of surprise washing over her face, as if to ask the sergeant why she took such a calculated risk to save her when she had someone to go home to.

Olivia smiled at the mention of her pride and joy. She pulled out her phone and swiped through pictures, settling on an especially handsome snapshot from Noah's last birthday. She handed it to Amelia. "This is Noah."

Amelia studied the picture carefully until the screen went dark. "How old is he?"

"Six." Olivia announced proudly.

"Wait..." She watched Amelia quickly do the math in her head. "Does that mean you were pregnant when... oh God, is he...?"

"No." Olivia quickly reassured her, knowing exactly what Amelia was asking, and immediately trying to shove even the thought out of her mind. "He was adopted a few months later."

"He's cute." Amelia said as she handed the phone back to the sergeant.

"He knows it, too." She shook her head and grinned.

* * *

**to those of you who thought last chapter was the end... Surprise! Of course not :) ****thank you once again for the feedback! I tried to do this conversation justice... Hope you are satisfied. **

**and sidenote, in my quest to watch through all of the SVU episodes on hulu, I am now on the Dani Beck episodes. Ugh. **


	13. Chapter 13

Olivia sat down on the worn leather couch and took in her surroundings. It had been awhile since she was last in this position. Two years, maybe pushing three. The walls had been painted and the bookshelves rearranged, but the underlying familiarity was comforting.

"It's good to see you again, Olivia." Dr. Lindstrom offered a warm smile. "I was a little surprised when you called for an appointment."

Olivia nodded slowly. She was a little surprised herself. Throughout most of her career, therapy had been something she had preached, never practiced. She had pushed hundreds of victims into counseling before briefly dabbling in it during the spiral that Sealview had catalyzed. It was only after Lewis that she became a true believer in what she had always encouraged others to do. Asking for help showed tremendous strength, not the weakness her head knew was untrue but her heart fought against believing.

And now, she needed help, and the fear of admitting it far outweighed the risks of not. She maintained that she was not quite where she started, but she was sliding. Hard and fast and the brakes were out and it scared her. She was here because she knew what it was like to have a mother who was well past felling apart. She might make every other parenting mistake in the book, but she wouldn't make that one. She would not do that to Noah.

So she sat here before it got bad enough for her to have to be. While all she felt she needed was a quick tune up instead of a complete overhaul. And besides, NYPD was required to foot her lifetime therapy bill. She couldn't let them off easy on that one.

"How is Noah?" The doctor asked. Olivia could tell he was intentionally starting her session off lightly to ease her back into the intense environment this was bound to become. She had had offered little information in her vague phone call the day before, so she was sure he was stumped as to the reason for this sudden visit.

"He's great. Growing like a weed, I can't believe it." Olivia pulled out her phone and proudly flipped through the same pictures she had shown Amelia three days prior.

"And you're still with Brian? How are things with him?"

"They're... good."

"You say that with some hesitation." The doctor observed.

"No, they are. We just... we talked a couple weeks ago. About what happened in the granary. I think it was good for him..."

"... But maybe not so good for you?" Dr. Lindstrom picked up the thought where Olivia left off.

"Maybe." Olivia looked up and forced a half-smile. "But it's nothing that he has done wrong. He's been wonderful. It's just hard not knowing exactly what is going on in his head."

"But that's not what made you come here today, is it?"

"No." Olivia ran her hand over her face. "I've been working this case the last few weeks, and it's really getting to me." Dr. Lindstrom nodded, silently encouraging her to go on. Olivia's heart screamed against going further, opening up this door for her therapist to ask the hard questions. For Noah. "We busted a prostitution ring that Amelia Cole was involved in. Seeing her again, finding out what has happened to her, talking about... things..." Olivia shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

"Do you feel responsible for Amelia's involvement in this?"

That was a loaded question if she'd ever heard one. "People keep telling me I shouldn't. Brian, my squad..." She trailed off again.

"Olivia. That's not the question I asked you."

This is what made her respect Dr. Lindstrom but hate him all in the same sentence. He wouldn't let her get away with skirting over the truth. He somehow always knew how she was feeling, and pushed her not to admit it just to him, but ultimately to herself.

"Lewis never would have used her as bait if he wasn't trying to get to me. If I hadn't gotten her wrapped up in this, she would still be a normal kid with a normal family." Olivia rationalized.

"You are alive, and Amelia is alive. Your actions saved her life. You didn't put the gun in his hands to kill her mother. You didn't kidnap Amelia. You are not responsible for how she has decided to react to this. This is on Lewis." He insisted.

"He's still getting what he wanted." She muttered.

"He's dead, Olivia. You are alive. He can only have the power over you that you give him."

"I know... I know that." She said emphatically, burying her head in her hands. "But that's not how it feels. It's been six years, and I thought this was all over. And now it's all coming back up and having Amelia back in my life and trying to keep it together for Noah and Brian, I'm just... overwhelmed."

"How does it make you feel to have Amelia around your squad?" His question struck a nerve she'd been denying. He sure had a knack for that.

"Lewis talked in great detail about what he did to me those four days right in front of Amelia. He knew exactly what to say to humiliate me. He laughed about things to a twelve year old girl that I hadn't told anyone else. I still haven't, not even Brian. I had no control over any of it. That's what he wanted. I just keep thinking worst case scenario, if this comes up on the stand, or when she is talking to someone in my squad, what if she tells them things that I don't want them to ever know?"

"Olivia, don't catastrophize. If it's it's not comfortable for you to talk about these things, I imagine it would be the same for Amelia as well."

He had a point. Olivia blew out a small sigh of relief, but it still did little to quell the rising emotion. "Lewis went after her because he was trying to get to me. Now, her mother is dead, her sister is God knows where, the girl was kidnapped, force fed vodka and drugs, watched Lewis... with me, listened the whole time we played Russian Roulette. How can this not be my fault?!"

She had forgotten how bitterly good therapy felt, the opportunity to let it all out without judgement, to vocalize the things that she wasn't even sure Dr. Lindstrom understood, but she figured her chances were better with him than anyone else.

Even though she still hated it.

"Olivia. A terrible thing happened to you both. You have chosen to deal with it very differently. I know it has been a hard road for you, but you have put forth the effort and taken your life back. Now, that responsibility is on her to do the same."

"I had Brian and Noah and my squad. She was just a kid, and she had nobody, and I was too caught up in my own life to pay attention. I should have stayed in touch, I should have..." She trailed off after her voice began to crack on her final words.

"Who are you fighting for, Olivia?" The doctor warned with a question he had also presented six years prior. He looked at her, his eyes looking past her defenses to somewhere deep inside her that made her want to curl up in a ball and hide in the corner.

Much to Olivia's relief, the impeccably timed ringing of her cell phone shattered the intensity of the moment. "Benson." She snatched her phone from her pocket and gathered her emotion as Fin filled her in on a new set of developments, "Okay... okay... I'll be there soon."

She dropped her phone down in her purse before standing up and slinging the bag over her shoulder. "I'm sorry, I've gotta go."

"Olivia?" He called after her as she made a beeline for the exit. She turned back, hand still wrapped around the the doorknob. "Come back anytime."

* * *

**Writers block is the worst! I had such a hard time with this chapter, I hope you find it worth the wait!**


	14. Chapter 14

"I went to see Lindstrom today." Olivia mumbled in another episode of pillow talk confessions.

"Yeah?" He rolled over onto his back and turned his head to face her.

"Yeah." She didn't know why she was doing this. She certainly didn't want to have this conversation with him, but he deserved to know. She braced herself for the onslaught of questions that were sure to come. _No more hiding, Olivia... no more hiding,_ she rehearsed the mantra.

"Did you... talk about me?" His voice was anything but accusatory, but so laced with insecurity that it sent a wave of guilt crashing over Olivia.

"Bri, I promise this has nothing to do with you." She sighed, absolutely regretting her spontaneous admission.

"Well uh... then why'd you go?" He stuttered over the risky question.

"I told you I went because you don't want me to hide things from you. That doesn't mean I want to talk about it." She snapped.

Brian winced in return, causing that wave of guilt to surge again, this time hitting harder. "Liv, I... I have no clue what's been going on with you lately and it's kind of scaring me. Just tell me how to help you."

She shimmied over and rested her head in the crook of his arm, sighing as she wrapped her arm around his torso and curled into his safety. Although still frustrated at her lashing out and his feelings of helplessness, he returned the gesture, throwing an arm around her and pulling her close.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. "It's this case and Amelia and I'm just trying to..." She trailed off.

"If you want to go to therapy, you know you always have my support. Always. But I'm here for you too. Just talk to me, babe. What's going on?"

"It's not about trusting you." She reinforced for the umpteenth time, if only he would believe her. "Right now, I just need you to keep things normal for Noah... and for me. Let me deal with this. I'll be fine."

"Okay." Brian offered a sad smile. "But that guy still gives me the creeps, you know."

* * *

Throughout the next several weeks, Olivia made a point to visit Amelia at the halfway house as family time and her busy caseload allowed. Aside from whatever atonement she was subconsciously working towards, she realized she quite liked the girl. There was an unspoken bond between them, a camaraderie formed not by choice but by understanding. There was a certain something about feeling alone together.

Ever since that moment of breakdown on their first visit, Amelia's shell began to crumble and her prickly demeanor dissipated. The conversation was always light and never particularly comfortable, but it kept her coming back. And so, on this particular afternoon, Olivia once again spent her lunch break on a courtyard bench with a cup of coffee and her eighteen year old company.

"Have you given much thought to what you want to do once your time here is done?" Olivia desperately searched for another question to ask, anything to keep the conversation afloat.

"I don't know." Amelia rolled her eyes. "They're making me work on my GED now. At least it gives me something to do, I guess. This place is so boring."

"Well... hang in there." Olivia once again began to absently tap on the ceramic edges of her coffee mug, the patter filling the uncomfortable silence that followed.

"Okay, seriously Olivia, if you don't stop that, I'm going to smash your coffee mug on the sidewalk."

"Sorry." Olivia managed a sheepish grin. "Nervous habit."

"Oh, yeah right, I make you nervous?" She teased. "A big, bad NYPD sergeant scared of little old me."

Although her intentions were harmless, something in Amelia's jesting hit a nerve. Olivia crossed her arms over her chest protectively. Scared? Not exactly. Intimidated? She felt a little silly. A fifty year old decorated police officer with more than 25 years on the force, dealing with the most heinous of crimes and criminals with barely a flinch, and all it took was one eighteen year old girl who carried knowledge of her deepest secrets and reminders of a buried past to bring her to her knees.

"Hey listen, Olivia... I appreciate what you've done for me and all, but you don't have to keep doing this. We're cool now; you're off the hook." Amelia sensed the discomfort her previous comment sparked.

Olivia's heart sank. She was torn between relief over a seeming way out and a true desire to make this right. Maybe it was just her incessant need to fix things and save people, but she needed to do this for herself just as much as Amelia.

"Do you want me to stop coming here?" Olivia held her breath in anticipation of the response.

"Yeah... Well, I mean, if you don't want to. It's whatever." She shrugged. "It's kind of nice having someone to talk to besides these idiots." She motioned to the other residents scattered around the courtyard. "But you don't have to." She quickly added.

"This is awkward, isn't it." Olivia stared down at her coffee mug, intentionally keeping her fingers still against the ceramic.

Amelia nodded, wrinkling her nose and contorting her face. "There's kind of an elephant in the room."

_Silence_.

"We probably need to talk about a few things." Olivia reluctantly verbalized.

"Yeah."

"Another day?"

Amelia nodded again, a look of relief spreading across her face. The reaction offered a small amount of reassurance for Olivia, to know that Amelia felt mutually uncomfortable at the thought of the inevitable conversation.

"So... I'll see you next week?" Olivia asked, bracing herself for an unknown response.

"Okay." Amelia smiled.

Olivia reached in to hug the girl goodbye and stood up, starting back to the precinct.

"Bring me some of that real coffee!" Amelia called after her. "The stuff here sucks!"

* * *

Olivia awoke to the sound of sniffles and little feet dancing on the hardwood floor beside her bed.

"Noah?" She whispered. "What's wrong."

"I... I..." He hiccuped.

Just then, Olivia caught a whiff of what Noah came to tell her. The familiar stench of... ugh. The joys of motherhood.

She felt Brian begin to stir beside her and immediately placed a hand. on his shoulder to still his movements. Noah was embarrassed enough as it was without adding a third party to the conversation.

"It's okay, baby. Go in the bathroom and get those wet clothes off and I'll be in there in just a minute."

"You got this, Liv?" Brian mumbled into his pillow once Noah was out of earshot.

"Yep. Go back to sleep." She leaned over and kissed his cheek before swinging her legs over the side of the bed and slipping on her robe.

Olivia turned on the bath water and plopped a teary-eyed Noah in the tub. Motherhood and SVU, she had come to realize, had certain things in common. Don't blame the victim, regardless of your frustration. She knew Noah couldn't help it. Accidents still happened from time to time, and the older he got, the more traumatic they became.

She rinsed him off quickly, then pulled him out of the bathtub and wrapped him in a towel. He continued to sniffle as she stripped the urine-soaked sheets from his bed and rummaged through the drawers for clean linens and some new pajamas.

"It's okay, baby. You're not in trouble." She soothed again as she slipped the shirt over his head. She put him into bed and pulled the covers up to his chin.

"Don't leave." He looked up at her with those big, brown, tear-filled, puppy-dog eyes that made it so damn hard to say no.

Olivia sighed, placing a hand on his forehead and brushing his hair back from his face. "Okay, Noah Bear. Scoot over." Olivia slid into the tiny bed beside him. "How about I just stay until you fall asleep?" She may be 'Badass Benson' at work, but at home, that little boy had her wrapped around his little finger. As much as Brian teased her about being a pushover, she didn't mind. She had waited too long for this.

"Okay." He said, his eyelids already fluttering closed. Olivia leaned back against the pillow and made herself comfortable after quickly realizing she wasn't going anywhere tonight. This is where she needed to be, as much for herself as for the little man beside her. It didn't matter that it was 2:30 in the morning, she was cramped in a tiny twin bed beside a six year old with no sense of personal space, and the room still had a faint odor lingering. In this moment, she felt whole. She wasn't Sergeant Benson. She wasn't a failure of a girlfriend who couldn't manage to open up to the man she loves. She wasn't a product of her mother's rape. She wasn't marred by William Lewis. She wasn't bruised or broken or fighting not to fall apart.

She was just Noah's mom.


	15. Chapter 15

Olivia sauntered into the interrogation room, never more ready to take a crack at a perp. She was out for blood on this one. Joey Burgess had been granted bail the week before after an approved appeal, and they had finally compiled enough evidence to bring him in for questioning on the murder charge. Much to Olivia's enjoyment, the rest of her squad had been summoned to court that afternoon, so she and Fin were left to manage the interrogation.

Once they got settled in the room with Burgess and his lawyer, Olivia wasted no time in throwing the morgue photos in front of the man. "Do you remember now? How you raped her? Strangled her? Threw her in the river?"

"Not ringing a bell." Joey said smugly.

"Oh really? Because we have a witness stating that you were the last person seen with the victim."

"Amelia? That little bitch? She won't tell you anything."

"Guess again, buddy." Olivia said with feigned confidence, silently panicking that she had given away the fact that Amelia intended to testify. "You're done."

"Try me." He leaned back and folded his arms with a cocky grin spreading across his face. Olivia continued to assume the role of 'bad cop', becoming more and more aggressive with each back-and-forth with Fin dumbstruck beside her.

"So this is just a game to you? I'll tell you what. New game, my rules." Olivia crouched over the table, resting her weight on her arms and getting in his face.

"Sergeant Benson!" Fin commanded. "Outside. Now."

"Leave me alone, Fin." She muttered once Fin had closed the door behind him. He reached out and caught her arm before she had a chance to walk off, not hard enough to hurt her but forceful enough to grab her attention.

"What the hell was that, Liv?!" Fin exploded. "You're lucky Murphy wasn't watching us. He'd have your ass if he saw the crap you just pulled. And in front of his lawyer?!

Olivia jerked her arm from his grasp. "So, are you going to tell him?!"

"I should!"

"Go to hell." She stormed off.

* * *

That night, Brian's presence had been expected at the retirement dinner of one of his former IAB coworkers. Olivia sometimes suspected that Brian remained friendly with the IAB crowd more for her sake than his own. She had had her fair share of run-ins with Lieutenant Tucker and his posse over the years, but since IAB had cleared her in their investigation of Lewis' death and she and Brian had made it known that they were serious this time around, he had laid off his tirade against her squad. She always suspected that Brian may have had more of a hand in that than he ever let on.

He had pestered her to tag along, but she was finally able to convince him to go alone, citing a busy week and the hassle of childcare for Noah. In reality, she just wanted some time to herself. Contrary to popular belief, Olivia Benson was an introvert by nature. Before moving in with Brian, she hadn't cohabited in nearly twenty years, and her lack of alone time was something she had never quite adjusted to when she gained the constant company of a live-in boyfriend and small child. She was thrilled when Brian traded his shield for a teaching position to spend more time with his family, but on occasion, she did miss the solitude that came during his undercover stints.

And so that night, Olivia tucked Noah into bed and retreated to her bedroom with a generous glass of wine and a book. After the heavy events of that afternoon, she should have known better than to pick a tearjerker. Barely two chapters in and she found herself with tears streaming down her face. Once they started, once she finally let them go, they just wouldn't stop. She cried not for the stupid book that had quickly been forgotten, but for every other reason under the sun. She cried for the man who had stood by her side through everything, even when she least deserved it. She cried for the little boy sleeping on the other side of the wall and all of the ways she knew she would fail him. She cried for Amelia, for her squad, for everything she had spent the last few weeks running from, only for it to catch up with her all at once.

_ It was suffocating. _

She collapsed against the headboard, sobbing, until she unmistakably heard the door open and close and the sound of Brian calling her name carrying through the hallway.

Olivia panicked. It was only 9:30. She wasn't expecting Brian home for at least another hour or two. She quickly wiped her tears, tossed the book on the floor and dove under the covers to feign sleep. If Brian saw her like this, he would ask questions, and questions would either lead to another uncomfortable conversation or the unmistakable look of hurt in Brian's eyes when she denied. Neither option sounded particularly enticing. She could blame it on the book, but who was she kidding. Brian knew her too well to buy that Hazel and Augustus could elicit that magnitude of emotion from her.

"Babe, you will not believe what Tucker..." He stopped suddenly when he saw her curled up under the covers. She felt the other side of the mattress dip under his weight as he sat down beside her.

"Liv? Are you awake?" He whispered. She squeezed her eyes shut, and tried not to tense up with guilt when he began to lightly stroke her hair. She prayed her charade would be convincing as she remained as still as possible.

"Okay. Glad to see you're finally getting some sleep. I love you." He leaned over and kissed her on the temple before turning off the lamp beside the bed. Olivia could hear him rummaging through the dresser drawers and slipping into something more comfortable. She thought she was in the clear once she heard footsteps move in the direction of the door, until the words that escaped Brian's mouth sent her stomach into knots.

"And babe, I know you're awake, but I'll take the hint. I'm going to go catch the end of the game but um... come out here if you want to."


	16. Chapter 16

After taking a few more minutes to gather her emotions and wallow in self-pity, Olivia stood up and made her way into the bathroom. She stared at her puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks in the mirror, managing a small chuckle at how terrible she looked at the moment. She splashed cold water on her face and wiped away the mascara trailing down her cheeks until she felt presentable enough to go face Brian. Really, all she wanted was to crawl into bed, and this time, actually be asleep when Brian came back in, but she knew she couldn't do that. Not after the way she had treated him lately and the grace he had extended in response.

She took a deep breath and cracked open the bedroom door. She peered through the gap and caught sight of Brian sprawled out on the couch. Swallowing hard, she pushed the door further open and slipped out into the living room unnoticed. She stood silently, watching him nurse a half-empty beer bottle and flip through the late-night sports recaps.

"Hey." She called tentatively, her words coming out as more of a question that a statement.

"Hey babe." He craned his neck to look at her over the back of the couch, a warm smile crossing his face. The expression relaxed Olivia enough for her to take a few brave steps closer.

"I didn't think you'd be home this early." She crossed her arms protectively over her chest.

"Yeah. You know I hate those things... might not have been so bad if I'd had a hot date." He impishly grinned, then shifted over to make room for Olivia to join him on the couch. She gladly obliged, making her way over to him and nestling against him without any of the anger or questions she had braced herself for. One hand quickly made its way into her hair, and he began to gently run his fingers through it. The pair remained that way for awhile, halfway watching the highlights of the Yankees game, but mostly just enjoying the closeness until Brian ruined the moment by opening his mouth.

"So, uh... I saw Fin there tonight. He worked with Morris at Narcotics."

Oh no. Oooooooh no. This better not be going where she suspected it might be. She immediately pulled away, lifting her head to shoot him a warning glare.

"Come on... come on." He coaxed her head back down on his chest. "He just said he felt bad about something that happened between you two, that you'd had a pretty rough day. He asked me if you were okay. I told him I hadn't talked to you since this morning, but I decided to use it as an excuse to bail out early and come home to my girl."

Olivia offered a tiny smile. Even after nearly eight years together, her heart still fluttered like a teenager whenever Brian referred to her as 'his girl.' How did she get lucky enough to have a guy like him stick around and put up with all of the shit she gave him. That reminder was almost enough to make her forget to write that mental note to chew Fin out the next time she saw him for talking to Brian about her and breaking that long-standing rule about keeping home and work separate.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" He asked more out of obligation than expectation.

"It's not that big of a deal." She insisted, "We just disagreed on an interrogation."

"Are you-"

She knew one surefire way to change the subject. It might not exactly be respectable in this situation, but it was a quick deterrent and she doubted he would have any residual complaints. And besides, a little release might do her some good. She cut him off by picking her head up and attaching her lips to his, adjusting her body until she was on top of him.

"Liv..." He protested.

"Stop talking." She mumbled against his lips, reaching up and lacing her arms behind his neck.

* * *

The next Wednesday afternoon found Sergeant Benson once again on an old wooden bench beside a softened version of that eighteen year old girl she reunited with nearly two months before. True to her word, she came equipped with two Starbucks cups this time, and by the way Amelia's face lit up when she saw that, Olivia knew there was still a typical teenage girl buried underneath the rubble of the last six years.

"It may not seem like it, but this nightmare is over." Olivia mused in response to some opening small talk about the quality of the food served at the halfway house and how loudly Amelia's roommate snored.

"I know. But it doesn't always feel like it." Amelia paused. "It's over for you too, you know."

"I know. But it doesn't always feel like it." Olivia smiled as Amelia rolled her eyes at the reuse of her statement, but stifled a grin as well.

"Do you think you're over it?"

Olivia took a sip of her coffee. "I'll never be over it, but I can live with it now. It took time, and it's still not easy, but I feel like I have my life back. What about you?"

"Sometimes? Maybe I thought I was more than I am. For awhile, I just did a good job of burying it. I can't really do that with you hanging around."

Amelia hit the nail on the head, providing a more accurate description as to how Olivia struggled than even she herself had shared. This situation quite intrigued her. The opportunity to talk with someone who had a shared knowledge of just what William Lewis was capable of. Her squad had seen the pictures and read the reports, but they would never truly understand, and even if they could, she would never give them what they needed to try. She too had studied the crime scene photos of Kentucky and Alabama, and she'd spent hours taking the statement of Alice Parker before she had become marked by the beast herself. She knew how different it became once the reminders became etched in your mind, in your skin, and in your heart. And now, there was a raw sense of comfort found in being able to commiserate with someone who understood far past the logistics.

"Do you ever talk about it?" Amelia asked. Olivia could tell by her pointed questions that Amelia felt it too. She typically would shoot down anything resembling this line of questioning from anyone other than Lindstrom, but she allowed Amelia some latitude. Her questions weren't the unnecessary nosiness she felt from everyone, but a desperate grasp for some hope that one day, she would find solid ground.

"NYPD is a small world, everyone there knows the basics whether I want them to or not. They don't bring it up, so I don't either. The only other people I'm ever around are Noah's friends and their parents, and it's not exactly playground conversation." She chuckled.

"What about your husband? Does he know everything that happened?" Olivia didn't bother to correct her with clarification of her relationship with Brian. It was all the same.

"No." Olivia grimaced. "He wants to, but..." She trailed off.

Amelia scoffed. "I know what you mean. God, men are stupid. They tell you they want to know what you've been through, but if you tell them, they think it gives them license to do it too... like you wanted it or you're into that stuff or something."

"Brian's not like that." She insisted. "There are good men left in the world, I promise you, Amelia.

"Yeah, okay." She rolled her eyes.

Truthfully, and although it was partially her own doing, it killed Olivia that a teenaged girl knew more personal details about her than the man who dried her tears, held her when she woke up screaming, and raised her son like his own. She could talk about this with Amelia but she couldn't bring herself to share those intimate details with Brian. What a cruel world.

* * *

**Still plugging along with writing. I have a few of the climactic chapters near the end already written and I'm really excited for you guys to read those once I get there! My feedback has really dropped off though, so are you guys still reading?! **


	17. Chapter 17

"_Amelia!" Olivia exclaimed as she momentarily broke free from her captor and rush toward the terrified looking girl. "I'm Detective Benson. Listen to me, The cops are on their way, sweetheart. You're going to be okay,"_

_"Hi sweetie. Hope you haven't been too scared all alone up here without me." Lewis chimed in, his nonchalance making Olivia sick to her stomach. _

_"Cut her down, you have me now." Olivia ordered. _

_"That's up to you, it's your choice now. I have you both so I can do you, let her watch... Or I can cut her down, do her, let you watch... I'm fine either way." He wanted to hear her beg for it. And he had figured out the only way to make her do it. _

_"See, Amelia. I told you Sergeant Benson wouldn't want to miss all the excitement." Lewis smiled maniacally, shoving Olivia up against the table and handcuffing her in place after she had made her choice. "She can tell you all about the fun we're going to have... of course, she missed our grand finale last time." He smirked. _

_Olivia looked over at Amelia as Lewis now had his sights set on her. He dragged his gun back and forth across the young girl's jawline. Her arms were bound above her head, her eyes wide and full of fear as she met Olivia's gaze, silently begging for the rescue that Olivia was unable to offer. _

_"Come on, Olivia. Tell her. Tell her why she's here." Olivia stared blankly ahead as Lewis laughed. _

_"Because you are a sadistic son of a bitch." Olivia snapped, immediately regretting giving Lewis the gratification of her overt anger and a title he would likely be proud of. He had rattled her and he knew it. _

_"An NYPD detective savagely beat me within an inch of my life while I was handcuffed. Incapacitated. No longer a threat to her. Then she lied about it to the whole world. Tell me, Amelia. Who is the monster here?" _

_Amelia whimpered as Lewis ran his hand across her cheek and through her ponytail. She clenched her eyes shut, but the tears still managed to escape down her cheeks. _

_"I can't hear you." Lewis smiled down at her. _

_"Sergeant Benson." Amelia whispered her response. Olivia's heart shattered as the girl looked back up her, begging for forgiveness. _

_Lewis turned his attention back to Olivia. "You just couldn't finish the job, could you? I really expected you would have had it in you. Big, bad, fearless NYPD sergeant. That's what everyone thinks, right? But there are no secrets here." _

_Lewis paced back and forth across the room, smiling as he looked from one of his prizes to the other. Olivia kept her eyes fixed on Amelia's, as if trying to absorb some of the pain and fear radiating from her eyes and distract her from the reality that surrounded. Amelia held onto the eye contact for dear life. "Stay calm. You're going to be okay." Olivia mouthed when Lewis had his back turned. _

_"Now, tell little Amelia how good I am. Tell her that I always keep my promises." He continued, grinning wildly as his rough hands roamed freely over Olivia's torso. Olivia swallowed hard and shook her head. _

_"SAY IT." Lewis spat the words in her face before walking back towards Amelia. _

_"Leave her alone, Lewis. It's me you want, not her." She said firmly, determined not to give him the satisfaction of hearing her voice shake. _

_"Why don't we give Amelia a little preview, huh? Go ahead and tell her what's coming?" _

_With a gun to Amelia's head, Lewis then forced Olivia to retell the horrible account of their previous four days together. When she skirted over the most humiliating of details, he supplemented, in great detail, the graphic acts she had attempted to protect Amelia's mind from. Every last detail he made her excavate and recount to a twelve year old who's previous knowledge of sex came from the diary of her older sister and giggles of naivety during Friday night slumber parties with her friends. _

_Lewis knew exactly what it would do to Olivia to know that a child's innocence was taken because of the words and images that came from her mouth. With each syllable she spoke, she felt a little piece of her soul escape with it. But she knew she was gaining an even more valuable commodity in exchange - Time. _

_Much to her momentary relief, she heard the faint sound of sirens approaching in the background. They had found her, and it gave her a renewed sense of bravery. Whatever happened, it would be over soon. _

_"It's over, Lewis. They're coming for me. They're going to find the car... Find you."_

_"I see. So you're just buying time by letting me rape you. That's it?"_

_This was it; this was the inevitable. Her only hope was that he would take enough time with her to allow her squad to find them before he moved onto Amelia. "Do what you're gonna do." She conceded. _

_She began to choke back tears as his hands closed in on her belt buckle and out of the corner of her eye, she saw Amelia watching in horror. _

_..._

_"Death is not something to be afraid of, Olivia..."_

_..._

_"_Olivia!" Brian's sharp voice startled her awake. Her eyes flew open and she fought to catch her breath. A nightmare. The first one in months. Damn it.

She scrambled to a sitting position, chest heaving, eyes spilling over with tears as she frantically scanned her dimly-lit surroundings. Her bedroom. With Brian. She was safe. Amelia was safe. Lewis was dead.

"Liv..." Brian repeated her name, this time softly, and gently, and with that overprotective concern that she loved and hated all in one.

'Did I wake up Noah?' was the first question out of her mouth.

"No." He quickly reassured her, propping himself up on an elbow.

In Noah's little world, there existed black and white "good guys" and "bad guys." He didn't know anything about the subset category of "William Lewises." Olivia was pretty sure he equated her to a superhero in one of his Saturday morning cartoons, fighting off the likes of Lex Luthor and The Green Goblin. She was his mom, and to him, she was invincible. He didn't need to know the truth. She would protect him from the realities of her job and her scars as long as she could.

She remained sitting and continued the fight to catch her frantic breath as the images persisted in her mind. Brian pulled himself the rest of the way up beside her. "You ok, babe?" He reached a hand out and began to rub small circles on her back.

"Don't touch me." She growled. Brian quickly withdrew his hand and raised his eyebrows.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked again after another few moments of watching her struggle.

"Brian! Damn it, do you ever listen to me?! I don't want to talk about it! Just shut up and leave me alone!" She exploded, giving him a hard shove of frustration. The less frequently her nightmares came, the more embarrassing each occurrence was, and damn it, why did he always have to make it a big deal.

Brian recoiled, looking as if Olivia had just kicked his puppy. "If you keep yelling like that, then you will wake up Noah." He said bitterly before lying back down and turning over to face the wall.

* * *

**Thanks for all the feedback for the last chapter. I seriously appreciate it. It makes it so much more fun to write knowing people are still reading. Please keep it coming. And I am trying to write your questions and comments into the story, so if there's anything you want to see, let me know!**


	18. Chapter 18

The next morning, Olivia laid awake long before her alarm went off. She had her suspicions that Brian was also faking sleep beside her, but when she finally gave up on the hope of more shut-eye and climbed out of bed, he didn't say a word.

The living room was dark save for the glow of streetlights streaming in through the gaps in the blinds. She pulled the shades up and stared blankly at the cityscape in front of her. Pacing back and forth in front of the window, she tried desperately to rid her mind of the images running rampant through her mind until the beginning of sunrise began to peek in between the buildings of the Manhattan skyline.

She finally wandered into the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee large enough to satisfy both herself and Brian before she settled onto the couch. She had the TV remote in hand, ready to flip on the sunrise news segment when she heard the bedroom door creak open behind her. She set the remote back down. Her eyes followed Brian as he walked toward the kitchen, wordlessly fixed his coffee, and began to make his way back towards her.

"Hey." He said quietly, stepping into her field of vision with his coffee mug in hand. "Can I sit?" He motioned toward the empty space beside her, and Olivia nodded her consent.

The room was silent, the streets below eerily void of the sirens and car horns that usually filled the night. The only sounds filling the apartment were their quiet respirations. In this moment, Brian felt like a stranger, not the man she had laughed with, cried with, fought with and raised her son with for the better part of a decade.

"Are we okay?" Olivia finally worked up the nerve to ask.

"I don't know Liv. You tell me." He ran his hand across his face, rubbing the remnants of sleep out of his groggy eyes.

"You're going to get mad at me because I had a nightmare?" She defended, quickly changing the tone of the conversation.

"I'm not mad at you!" He insisted with a little more force than he had intended. "But you keep telling me there's nothing wrong, and I know you're lying to me. You haven't had a nightmare in months. For once, can you just... just talk to me, Liv. Please." He pleaded.

Olivia felt like her heart was about to flutter out of her chest. "Can we not do this right now?" She begged softly. Not now. Not when her mind was still full of the intrusions that had been paraded through her unconscious that night.

"Then when are going to do it?" He pushed back. His patience was wearing thin. "That's just it, Olivia! You never want to talk. I don't know what's happening to you, I thought we were past all of this. I'm worried about you... I'm worried about us."

"I'm sorry, Bri." She whispered. She laid her hand across his knee and gave it a gentle squeeze before using it to push herself up off of the couch.

She walked towards Noah's room to wake him up for school, leaving Brian on the sofa behind her. She glanced back at him as her hand met the doorknob. Her eyes connected with his and her heart broke as she saw the familiar look of hurt mirrored back in his expression.

_I'm worried about us._

_I'm tired. You're tired. We're tired._

* * *

"I had a nightmare."

"Ah." Dr Lindstrom nodded as Olivia recounted the events of the precious night to her therapist. She was still slightly shaken by the unwelcome intrusion into her subconscious and the now lingering tension in her apartment, leading to another impromptu visit to the familiar office. "Can you tell me more about it?"

"It felt so... real. It was just like I was reliving that day in the granary." Olivia confessed.

"What do you think triggered it?"

"I don't.. I don't know. I had gone to see Amelia again that afternoon and we were talking about... things. I was fine when I got home, and I went to bed and the next thing I know, Brian is waking me up and he kept asking questions and..." She trailed off.

"Are you embarrassed that Brian saw you having a nightmare?"

"I don't like it, but he's seen me have nightmares hundreds of times. I think we're past that. He just doesn't know when to stop talking." She rolled her eyes.

"Did he say something that upset you?"

"He kept going on about how he thought we were over this and he's worried about me and he's worried about our relationship because I won't ever talk to him." Olivia listed Brian's conversation points that had been swirling through her mind for the last 48 hours.

"Do you feel like that's true?" Dr. Lindstrom gently probed.

"What? That I don't ever open up to him?" When Brian had made the accusation, she had fiercely denied it to herself. But now, the presentation by a third party, by someone she knew was on her side, she allowed herself to consider the regression from their previous comfortable openness.

"I don't know." She finally admitted, shaking her head. "I think we've gotten better than we used to be. We can talk about a lot... raising Noah and work and just... normal things that weren't always easy. I trust him, as much as I trust anyone, I guess. But I thought we had an understanding that Lewis was still mostly off-limits. He went a long time without pushing me to talk. I don't understand why now, all of a sudden, he has to make it a big deal."

Dr. Lindstrom took a moment to collect his thoughts before replying. "Olivia. I have known you for a long time, both as a colleague and a patient. I have seen you struggle and grow tremendously in that time, and I have listened to you share quite a bit about your relationship with Brian. I know that he loves you and I don't believe he would intentionally try to hurt you or push you suddenly without reason. Are you sure he knows that what you are working through right now is related back to Lewis?"

"What are you trying to say?" Olivia narrowed her eyes.

"You told me earlier that you had not told Brian you've been going to see Amelia." The doctor raised one eyebrow, looking intently at Olivia.

"He wouldn't understand." Olivia insisted. She sank back into the worn leather chair and buried her head in her hands.

"Have you ever given him a chance to?"


	19. Chapter 19

Olivia parked Noah at the kitchen table with a coloring book and a 64 pack of crayons, hoping it would be enough of an outlet for his endless energy to occupy him while she prepared dinner. She enjoyed having his company in the kitchen, but sometimes he was more of a hindrance than a help.

Her conversation with Dr. Lindstrom had undeniably created more internal questions over the past week than it had answered. The tension between Brian and herself had somewhat settled, never to be spoken of again after that morning, but a lingering sense of something she couldn't quite put a finger on remained. Lately, she had often caught her mind wandering back to the conversation with Brian a few weeks prior about his relationship with Noah. She was growing more and more curious about Noah's take on the subject, especially given this newfound uncertainty she was suddenly facing in their relationship. Although it was the only family situation Noah had ever known, she realized that he was getting to the age where it had to be confusing in a world of mommies and daddies and 2.5 kids and a white picket fence.

"Hey Noah?" Olivia bit her lip and bit the bullet.

"Huh?" He answered, furiously scribbling burnt sienna over his coloring page. Olivia sighed. In the endless amount of unsolicited child-rearing advice she had received when she adopted Noah, no one had ever warned her just how much of a "choose-your-battles" endeavor parenthood really was. The proper way to respond to adults was her latest battle, and she was about ready to wave her white flag on this one.

"Noah, please use your manners. Can you say something other than 'huh'?" Olivia Benson was never one to give up.

Noah nodded. "Yes?" He corrected himself.

"Does it ever make you sad that you don't have a family like Ethan and Will's?" Olivia asked, referring to his twin best friends.

"Can I have a brother?" Noah perked up at the question. What on God's green earth made think having this conversation with a six year old was a bright idea._ Smooth, Benson. Smooth move. _

"I don't think so, baby. But you know how your friends have a mommy and a daddy?" Olivia tried again, her heart stinging a bit over the idea of a brother or sister for Noah. She would love more children, and thought Brian might get on board with the idea too, but they were in their fifties now, and Noah's adoption was nothing short of a miracle itself. The chances of the stars aligning so perfectly again were slim.

"But I already have a mommy and a daddy." Noah answered sadly, a little dejected over the rejected proposal for a sibling.

"You do?" Olivia raised her eyebrows in mock surprise.

"You're my mommy... and Brian's my daddy." Noah looked up at her as if she was asking him if the sky was blue.

"Well then, why do you call me 'mommy' but call him 'Brian'?"

"Because those are the rules." Noah said, using that 'duh, Mom' voice that already made her dread his teenage years. He returned burnt sienna and thumbed through the box in search of his next color.

"You know, baby... It would be okay if you ever wanted to call Brian 'daddy.' I think it might make him really happy." Brian had insisted that the title didn't mean anything to him, but Olivia knew the pure joy she felt the first time she heard that little voice call her "mommy." Out of love for Brian, it was something she wanted her whatever-he-was significant other to have the opportunity to experience as well. He had earned it, and deep down, she knew that whatever happened between herself and Brian, he would always be a part of Noah's life.

"Okay." Noah continued to pick through his box of colors, seemingly unaware of the gravity of this conversation and his mothers anxiety over the topic. "I'm hungry."

If only she could see everything as simply as her six year old.

* * *

"So this whole trial thing is kind of freaking me out." Amelia admitted as she took a sip of her vanilla latte.

"ADA Barba will meet with you sometime this week and go over your testimony. But um... We probably shouldn't talk about the trial right now."

"Oh." Amelia nodded, dropping her hands to her lap. Olivia felt bad about cutting off the conversation, but knew it was for the best. She didn't want any hint of impropriety, or to do anything to potentially harm the case.

With each visit, Olivia felt more and more relaxed, and she could tell it was mutual. Small talk was no longer a chore, and she and Amelia could easily chat about Noah and his antics, and Amelia's frustrations with the other residents at the halfway house. They even discussed her budding plans to apply to Hudson University for the fall semester, which conveniently fell at the conclusion of her mandated six month sentence to the probationary rehab program she was enrolled in.

Amelia finally spoke up again. "Hey Olivia? I've been thinking about last week, when you said you'd never really told Brian everything? All of that stuff Lewis made you tell me. Does he know that?"

"No." Olivia answered quietly. "And I'm so sorry you had to hear all of that, I didn't want-"

"It's okay." Amelia cut her off. "I just wanted to make sure you know that I would never repeat any of that. I, uh, may be a druggie and a whore, and I don't have a track record of being very trustworthy, but I promise you." She chuckled as she took a dig at herself.

"Thank you." Olivia nodded, unable to keep the emotion out of her voice. "And Amelia? Stop being so hard on yourself."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Do you think it's okay, though? It's okay to not tell the whole story?"

Suddenly, something clicked in Olivia's mind - the reason why Amelia seemed so interested in Olivia's own release of information.

"Amelia? Did Lewis hurt you more than you told the detectives who took your statement?"

Amelia's face froze, the color drained from her cheeks, and her hands clenched into panicked fists. She vehemently shook her head no, but the nonverbal clues coupled with twenty years of SVU experience were enough to indicate otherwise.

"It's okay, sweetheart. You can tell me." She gently prodded, reaching out and placing a soothing hand on Amelia's shoulder. The teenager continued to shake her head.

Olivia tried a more direct approach this time. "Amelia, you need to tell me what happened."

"Why? Why does it matter?" She snapped, jerking her arm away. "He's dead, it's not like you can put him in jail. Just drop it, Olivia." Amelia stood up, downed the last few drops of her Starbucks, tossed it in the trashcan and bolted back inside the house without another word.

Olivia let out a sigh of frustration. She'd talked to hundreds, maybe thousands of victims who were reluctant to share their stories, who left out details. But this was different. This was personal.

She knew there was more to the story that Amelia had led on, more to it than Nick reassuring her that the girl was unharmed as her tears mixed with his blood and streamed down her face that afternoon in the hospital. Amelia had all but dangled that in front of her. She wanted to know, she wanted to understand. She had a general idea of what to expect, and knowing the details wouldn't change her perception of Amelia. She would never use that knowledge to hurt the girl. She just wanted to know how to help her. Nothing made her feel like she has failed Amelia more than being left in the dark.

Suddenly a lightbulb clicked in her head.

_**Brian.**_

* * *

Hang on guys, because the next couple chapters are about to get intense! As always, please leave any feedback or constructive criticism... I would really appreciate it!


	20. Chapter 20

Brian took a bite out of his bagel and thumbed through the latest issue of the New York Times. Olivia stood impatiently in front of the coffee pot, watching the liquid energy percolate entirely too slowly in front of her. It had been a long week. Joey Burgess' trial was set to start on Monday and she had spent the beginning of the week with Fin and Amanda at Barba's office, reviewing the facts and their testimonies for the prosecution. She had been working exhausting hours, only seeing Noah when she took him to school and when she crept into his room when she got home to briefly watch him sleep before wordlessly crawling into bed beside Brian.

The coffee finally finished brewing and Olivia poured generous helpings for both herself and Brian, setting them on the table before pouring milk into Noah's Cheerios. Making her way back to Noah's room, she peeked inside yet again and warned him that if he didn't get up now, he would be late for school. The child sleepily made his way to the table and began to work his bowl of cereal.

"Busy day today?" Brian asked Olivia with his mouth full. She wished he would stop teaching Noah bad habits and made a mental note to chew him out for it later when things weren't so tense to start with.

"It shouldn't be." She answered as she stirred a splash of creamer into her coffee. "We finished up with Barba yesterday. We should just be at the precinct tying up loose ends today."

"So you'll be home for dinner tonight?" Brian asked. _Okay. Good. This was good; it felt normal. Relaxed, even._

Noah's eyes lit up at the mention of dinner. The kid was a human garbage disposal, always thinking about the next meal even when he was still eating his breakfast. "Can we have pizza?"

Olivia laughed. "Noah bear, pizza night is only once a week. If we eat pizza tonight you don't get it on Friday."

Noah looked from her to Brian, scrunching his nose as he was deep in thought. "Tonight!" He finally announced.

She turned her attention over to her boyfriend. "Bri, if you can pick him up from the Cragens', I'll bring the food home with me?"

Brian nodded, barely looking up from his newspaper. Olivia's heart sank a bit, and she immediately chided herself for reading too much into his nonverbal. It was fine; they were fine. He was probably just caught up in last night's sports recaps. Nothing to worry about.

Olivia and Noah finished up breakfast and retreated to their bedrooms to brush their teeth and finish preparing for the day. Brian remained at the table, leisurely sipping his coffee and finish breakfast. Olivia emerged back to the kitchen first and walked up behind him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Have a good day, babe." She immediately felt his muscles stiffen as she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"Yeah... you too."

"Hey, Bri? Is something wrong?" She asked, almost scared of his answer. Something had been off the past few days, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Brian twisted in his chair to face her. "No... no. I'm just tired. I'll see you tonight." He forced a smile and gave her a quick peck on lips.

"Gross." Their six year old commentator appeared back in the kitchen with his backpack and leaned against the doorway, arms crossed and eyes rolled.

* * *

They caught a case that afternoon, and Murphy was satisfied enough with the progress they had made on trial prep to send Olivia and Fin out to begin the investigation. She finally returned to her desk late in the afternoon after canvassing a local neighborhood for leads. She plopped down in her chair to type up her DD5's for the day, the last thing preventing her from escaping the precinct for the rest of the night.

She began to daydream about what awaited her at the completion of her paperwork. She'd spend the evening with Brian and Noah, eating pizza and probably watching some silly cartoon at Noah's insistence. She would giggle with him as she gave him a bath and read him a story and tuck him in to bed promptly at 8pm for the first time all week, then it was on to Brian. She would cuddle with him on the couch and this time they would actually talk about whatever was bothering him. They would fix whatever was driving a wedge in their relationship. And if the reconciliatory process necessitated an extended round of make-up sex, she would have no complaints.

She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, rolling her eyes when she saw a 6% beside the battery icon. You would think after 8 generations of iPhones, Apple would have figured out how to do something about the damn battery life. She rummaged through her desk drawer for her extra cell phone charger and plugged it in before opening up her messages app to tap out a quick message to Brian.

_"Almost done for the day. I'll be home soon. Was hoping we could-"_

Just as she was typing the final words and almost satisfied with her composition, Amanda came flying into the room, her eyes wild and full of fear.

"Liv, Sister Margaret just called! Amelia's gone!"

* * *

**Sorry this a short chapter but i wanted to torture you just a little bit :) I have the next chapter already finished too, how quick do you guys want it?! **


	21. Chapter 21

Olivia's thoughts immediately jumped to worst case scenario. Images of a charred body belonging to another perp-turned-witness flooded her mind. A face that she saw every time she looked at her son.

She grabbed her dying cell phone off of the charger and threw it into her purse with the message unsent and all but forgotten. She raced to the car behind Amanda. They made it to the halfway house in record time, and were met by two concerned looking sisters waiting outside.

"Is there anywhere around here she could go to score?" Rollins led off the investigation by asking the same questions the squad had asked six years before. Olivia's heart sank at the possibility. Amelia had been doing so well, she hated the thought this could be a relapse, especially if the intensity of their conversation yesterday was her tipping point.

One of the sisters raised her eyebrows at Amanda and continued offering additional information without responding to the question. "She's been very withdrawn today. More so than usual. She didn't show up for dinner; we called you right away." _We didn't waste precious time looking like last time._

The next couple hours brought a flurry of activity around the halfway house. Uniformed officers swarmed the precinct and surrounding streets, canvassing a ten block radius. Olivia and Amanda loaded into their own squad car and scoured the streets relentlessly until a call finally came over their radio.

_"SVU portable, we have the search subject in custody. En route back to St. Bernadine's, ETA 10 minutes"_

Olivia leaned her head back against the headrest, breathing a sigh of relief at the news of Amelia's safety. She turned the car around and headed back to the halfway house. They made it to St. Bernadine's just before the brigade of uniformed officers returned with the teenager. Olivia glanced at the time, realizing she was going to be in the doghouse when she finally made it home. She was about to ask Amanda if she could borrow her phone to check in with Brian when she heard the door open and looked up to see two uniformed officers lead Amelia back into the house.

"Where have you been?!" Olivia exploded with a little more force than she intended.

"I wasn't doing anything wrong! I just needed some fresh air and a little bit of privacy to clear my head. What's the big deal?" That familiar scowl returned to the young woman's face.

"Amelia, you can't just run off and not tell anyone!" Rollins joined in the attack.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot that I was still in jail." She shot back

Olivia blew out a deep breath, her frustration mounting. "We just want to keep you safe."

"I can take care of myself." She rolled her eyes and walked off in the direction of her room. Olivia turned to Amanda and held up a hand, signaling to let her handle this as she followed the girl into her bedroom.

"Leave me alone." Amelia ordered, turning her back to the sergeant and looking out the window.

"Amelia..."

"God, Olivia. I'm not a little kid anymore. Stop treating me like one!"

Olivia sat down on the bed and rested her head in her hands, her heart still pounding from the adrenaline coursing through her veins. She took a moment to debate the story she was about to offer. Scaring Amelia was not her goal, but she wanted her to understand the potential consequences of going off alone. "Do you remember I told you my son was adopted?"

Amelia turned around, arms crossed. "Yeah, so?"

Olivia swallowed hard. She hated talking about this, mostly because it reminded her of those six months of her son's little life that she was so thankful he would never remember. "His birth mother reminds me of you a little bit."

"Why?" Amelia raised her eyebrows, unconvinced.

"I found Noah when I was working on a case before I even met you and he got put into foster care. A few months later, we arrested a girl and found out she was his mother. Just like you, she helped us and we were able to help her too. She stayed in that room right across the hall from you. Then one night, we got a call that she had skipped out. We found her body a few hours later. One of the guys she was testifying against put out a hit on her."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat before she stood up and walked over to Amelia. She placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm not trying to scare you, but I don't want anything to happen to you. You're a witness in a case; some people are not going to like that. Do you understand now why we got so worried?"

Amelia nodded, this time unaccompanied by an eye roll or any other expression of exasperation.

"Okay." Olivia smiled and patted the girl on the shoulder. "Come on. I think they saved you some dinner."

* * *

"Nice to see you." Brian stated, in a quiet but accusatory tone.

"Sorry," She apologized as she dropped her purse and pulled off her shoes. "Got tied up at work." She leaned in to kiss him but he blocked her effort.

"Bullshit. I called the precinct. They said you left hours ago." Brian fired back.

"Are you serious? Are you checking up on me?" _Oh, no, he didn't._

"You weren't answering your cell or your desk so I tried the main line. Its after 10, where the hell were you, Olivia?! You sat here this morning and told us you would be home for dinner. I tried to cover for you with Noah but I finally had to put him to bed and he wanted to talk to you and tell you goodnight. You've barely been home at all this week. He misses you."

"Great. Now I can add "world's worst mother" to my long list of credentials." Olivia said bitterly, a twinge of guilt tugging at her heart because deep down, she knew Brian was right.

The easy route, the rational answer would be to just explain the whole situation that had played out with Amelia tonight and that her phone had died, and apologize for not making communication a priority. But no. Stubbornness was taking hold. Where does he get off on accusing her of lying? She could feel the steam rising out of her ears.

"Damn it, Liv! Would it have killed you to send me a text telling me you were going to be late? Are you just trying to be an ass? Do you even know what goes through my head when I can't get in touch with you?!"

Olivia crossed her arms and glared at him. She knew. It was the same fear that still made her jumpy when a car door slammed. It was the same fear that still made her hate the taste of vodka, that made her panic whenever she unexpectedly caught a whiff of cigarette smoke. Lewis had changed them.

"The next time you decide to go running around the city doing God knows what with God knows who, a little heads up would be nice so I can at least try to explain to your son why, once again, his mother isn't there to put him to bed. Who's more important to you than him!" _And me, _he stopped short of adding. Brian wasn't holding back. It was as if, in this moment, everything he had overlooked the past couple months was coming back with a vengeance.

"Did you just accuse me of cheating on you?!" Olivia's mouth dropped.

"I don't know! I don't know anymore! Should I? Maybe that explains everything. Who is it, Olivia? Stabler? That asshat Haden? The paper boy?" Brian answered throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"Screw you." Olivia turned on her heels and began to walk away, but not before looking back and taking one more shot below the belt. "Why don't you just go back to your hooker girlfriends. I bet they always answer when you call."

* * *

**Don't hate me! Don't hate me! but do leave your feedback :) **


	22. Chapter 22

The next morning, Olivia woke up to a blaring alarm clock. She mentally grumbled a few choice words, as she did most mornings she had to rise before dawn to get both herself and Noah ready for the day. With her eyes still closed, she mumbled Brian's name and rolled over, reaching out to give him a little warning push. Why the hell wasn't he turning that damn thing off? Her hand caught nothing but air, and she finally found the motivation to pry her sleepy eyes open. She lifted her head off the pillow and looked over to see an empty space beside her, the covers still neatly tucked into his side of the mattress, and his pillow missing. Suddenly, memories of the harsh words exchanged the night before came flooding back. Her eyes looked over at the clock and she squinted to focus on the time... 7:15?! Shit. She had twenty minutes to get both herself and Noah up, fed, and presentable if she was going to get him to school on time.

Olivia went into panic mode. She jumped out of bed and nearly sprinted to the bathroom. She managed the world's fastest shower, and threw on her robe before running into Noah's room to get him up and moving.

"Noah, baby, get up, we're going to be-" She threw open the door to her son's room only to find his bed empty. She furrowed her brow and began to notice the faint sounds of voices carrying through the hallway.

She immediately closed the door and headed towards the kitchen. As she passed through the living room, she noticed Brian's pillow lying on top of a neatly refolded blanket perched on the edge of the couch. Her stomach clenched – He really hadn't come to bed with her the previous night.

She found Noah in the kitchen, already eating breakfast with Brian. She glared at her boyfriend from the doorway, briefly watching as he engaged in some sort of competition with Noah that involved tossing stray Cheerios into each other's bowls. Any other time, she may have stood and watched for a moment, enjoying the heartwarming display of private father/son time that she was rarely privy to. But this morning, she was still pissed, and she made sure he knew it.

"Brian, what—?" She snapped, her eyes shooting daggers straight at him. He looked back at her like a child who had just been caught with his hand in the forbidden cookie jar.

"Uh. I know you've had a busy week. Thought I'd handle Noah this morning and let you sleep in a little bit." His voice was low and hesitant and awkward, with a little bit of hope weaved in.

This was the difference between men and women, and she had often stopped to consider how much it fascinated her. She had seen it with Elliott, with Nick, with nearly the entire staff of her testosterone-dominated workplace. Women liked to ruminate on the details, let the hurt recycle over and over again. Words were never quickly forgotten. Men often had the unique ability to let it out, say their peace, and continue on as if nothing happened.

"So you reset my alarm? What the—…" She caught herself before she said something that would later necessitate damage control when Noah's porous ears soaked it up like a sponge and added it to his vocabulary. "What were you thinking?"

When Olivia's face showed no signs of softening, Brian turned to the child sitting beside him. "Hey Noah, can you go in your room and finish getting ready for school?"

"But I'm not done with my Cheerios." Noah whined.

"I know, buddy. But I need to have a grown up talk with your mom, so go get dressed and we'll finish breakfast before I take you to school."

Noah rolled his eyes. Where had he picked up that habit? She quickly realized she didn't actually want to know the answer to that. He was definitely her son. Normally, she would have been all over his ass about disrespecting Brian, but she just didn't have the energy this morning. And however twisted it was to consider her anger a reason to allow her son to misbehave, Brian didn't even have her respect at the moment.

"Noah," Brian said firmly, addressing the behavior before Olivia even had a chance to finish weighing her disciplinary options.

Noah's eyes widened and he scampered off to his bedroom. When he was safely out of earshot, Brian stood up from his chair and approached Olivia. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, certainly not wanting to get into this after the way her morning had already started off. Her gut told her to flee, but once again, this lack of energy thing was presenting a problem.

"Liv..." Brian stopped in front of her and she immediately flinched as his eyes looked deep into hers. She tried to take a step back but he planted his arms firmly on her shoulders. He held her in place to keep her from running and gently massaged her tense muscles. "Look. I know you're stressed out, and I'm stressed too _('because of you', she just knew he wanted to add)_ but I know you don't want to do this in front of Noah."

He was right about that.

He cocked his head and chased her gaze as she tried to focus on anything but him. "Olivia. Please. Throw me a bone here. I'm _sorry_." With everything else going on, with the case, with Amelia, with her own internal struggle resulting from reopening the chapter of her life she thought had long been closed, she didn't need this right now. She needed him to be as solid for her now as he had been six years ago, but her pride was finally, finally rebuilt enough to make that difficult to admit to herself, let alone to him. She finally gave in and looked back at him to see his eyes radiating the desperation that he managed to keep his voice from conveying.

She pulled away and brushed past him to go tell Noah goodbye. "Not now. I'm going to work. Don't make him late for school."

* * *

"Benson!" Barba barked as he stormed into the precinct. Olivia looked up from her desk, a bit startled, to see the ADA marching toward Lieutenant Murphy's office and motioning for her to join.

She closed her case file, slightly puzzled, and followed them into the office. By the time she stepped in and closed the door behind her at their insistence, the two men were already seated, and neither looked especially happy. Olivia closed her eyes and blew out a deep breath, an unnerving feeling of trepidation washing over her. What had she done this time?

She took a seat in the plush chairs of the office and Barba wasted no time in waving a piece of paper under her nose. "I got this from the defense this morning. It's a motion to disqualify Amelia Cole as a witness due to a preexisting relationship with an SVU sergeant. They state it's unfairly prejudicial to their client."

The only thing that dropped lower than Olivia's jaw was her stomach. "But we barely have a case without her!"

"My point exactly." The lawyer quipped.

Olivia flinched, racing to prepare her defense. "Everything I've done with Amelia, you two have known about. You knew I went to see her at the halfway house! She and I have talked about... other things, but nothing that has anything to do with the case! You both let me stay on this case. I may have taken more of an interest because I knew her, but I can assure you, none of that has impaired my judgment or compromised this case. I want justice for her and for these other girls as badly as both of you."

"You type Olivia Benson into any internet search engine and those news stories about Lewis are the first thing that come up." Rafael quickly worked to give Olivia some semblance of reassurance and quell the steam he saw began to rise from her lieutenant's ears.

Olivia cocked her head and stared at Barba with an incredulous look on her face. "You've googled me?"

"Maybe." He smirked. "I just think the defense is reaching. They've found out who you are and who Amelia is, and are looking for anything they can to help their case. I don't think the judge is going to go for it, but I'm not interested in taking any more chances."

Murphy cut in, handing down the executive order. "Sergeant, you are off of this case. You are to do nothing, _and I mean nothing_, except testify. And you are not to go near Amelia Cole again until after the trial. Do you understand me, Olivia?"

"Let me just talk to her one more time and explain-" she begged.

"NO." The two men answered in unison.

* * *

**Thanks again for all of the responses to last chapter. Please keep them coming... tell me what you like and what you don't!**


	23. Chapter 23

After a few more stern warnings from her superiors, Olivia was finally cut loose to return to her desk. She managed to make it safely to the bathroom before the tears spilled over. This could not be happening, today of all days. First, she was in hot water at home, now the safe haven she had expected at work today was destroyed too? She splashed cold water on her face and took a few minutes to collect herself. She knew that if she stayed in seclusion too long, someone was likely to come looking and losing her composure in front of her squad after she had worked so hard to regain the respect she falsely assumed she lost would surely be the icing on the cake.

She walked back to her desk with her head down and slowly took her seat, still feeling as if every eye in the precinct was on her. Across the room, Fin cleared his throat, signaling her to look up at him. When he caught sight of her reddened eyes he stood up, pushed his chair under the desk, and approached her. They may have had their disagreements over the past twenty years, but he had never been anything but a friend to her.

"You okay?" He asked discretely, as he pointed to something on the paper in front of her to give the appearance they were talking shop.

"I'm fine, Fin." She put minimal effort into sounding convincing. She knew he wouldn't buy it regardless.

"C'mere Liv." He said, nodding towards the hallway. "I'm going to the interrogation room in the back. Wait a couple minutes and follow me, okay? "

She almost wanted to laugh at his over-the-top effort to be furtive, knowing that out of context, it sounded like some clandestine office hookup. She appreciated it all the same. Still feeling a little overwhelmed, she obeyed Fin's request and joined him a short time later.

"I've known you long enough to know when somethin's up." He gently reminded her.

"I just got pulled off of the Burgess case." She sighed, leaning against the wall and knocking her head back against it a few times for good measure.

"Does this have anything to do with Amelia?" he asked.

Olivia nodded

"Damn, girl. I'm sorry. I know she's important to you, but you can't be thinkin' it's your fault that she's wrapped up in this."

"Can everyone please just stop saying that?!" She snapped.

"Easy… Easy." He wrapped his arms around her and drew her into a platonic embrace. "You want to take the rest of the day off? I'll take care of Murphy for you; tell him you were puking or somethin'. I'll drive you home… or I can call Cassidy?"

"No!" Olivia quickly interjected at the mention of involving Brian, causing Fin to raise his eyebrows. Thankfully, he recognized that now wasn't the time to ask questions. "Fin, I'm fine… I just need a minute."

This is what she loved about Fin. He didn't push.

* * *

That afternoon, Olivia tried to focus on the new case she had been assigned while Fin, Amanda, and the other detectives still on the case huddled on the opposite side of the room and wrapped up the final loose ends for the trial set to start on Monday.

She pushed her hair back from her face and rubbed her temples. She thought about Amelia and their conversation from earlier that week when the girl had all but revealed that there was more to the story than Olivia coming to her rescue just in time. She had planned to stop by again before the trial started, maybe trying broach the topic again. Now, she didn't know when that would happen, and it broke her heart that the girl had carried that burden alone for six years.

She had forsaken Amelia six years ago, and she was determined not to let that happen again. Amelia needed to know that this was not by choice, that this was temporary, and that Olivia was still fighting for her. She considered sending Fin to deliver the message, but after remembering her previous conversation with Amelia about her mistrust of men, she decided that Amanda would be a safer option. She looked up just in time to see a flash of blonde hair scoot through the doors of the squadroom, her purse and umbrella in hand.

"Amanda!" Olivia yelled, chasing down the junior detective as she left the precinct. "I need a favor."

"Sure, sergeant. What can I do for you?"

"I, um. I got pulled off the Burgess case. I need you to stop by St. Bernadine's on the way home and tell Amelia what happened. Tell her that I can't come to see her until after the trial, but I promise I will as soon as I can."

"But you just said we're not supposed to talk to Amelia until the trial is over..." Amanda was confused.

"No, I can't. They never said that you couldn't." Olivia insisted.

"Liv..."

"Please, Rollins. One time. She trusts me now, and that took a long time. I can't screw that up. I need you to tell her that I'm not going to abandon her now." Olivia pleaded.

* * *

Olivia drug her exhausted body up the steps to her apartment. She was done. Absolutely finished, with today, this week, this case. This was the first night all week she was home early enough to have any potential of quality time with her family, but she dreaded having to face Brian after the conflict she had fled from this morning, knowing that she was the irrational one. She felt terrible for even dreading Noah, his boundless energy no match for her weary soul tonight. She pushed open the door and braced herself for Noah to come barreling in to greet her.

He didn't.

"Hey guys? Noah? Brian?" She called, setting her purse on the counter and wandering further into the apartment. She began to grow concerned at the unusual quiet. They should be home. Before her mind had a chance to run away with worst case scenarios, she spotted Brian half sitting, half leaning against the back of the couch, staring at his feet and anxiously shuffling a bottle of wine from one hand to the other.

"Hey." He said with a half smile when he finally looked up to greet her.

"Brian, what's going on?" She asked quietly. She just wanted to cut to the chase.

"Look, uh. Liv. I've been thinking." He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand and blew out a deep breath.

_This is it._ Olivia braced herself for her worst fears to come true. _You can do this, Olivia. You're strong. You don't need him. You and Noah will be okay. Dontcrydontcrydontcry_.

"I, um. I really screwed up last night. I don't know what's happening to us, but God, I... I just miss you. It's been a long time since we've spent any time just the two of us. And I think we... _I_ need that."

"Where's Noah?" She asked, still unconvinced.

"Don and Eileen are keeping him for the night. I told them I'd been an ass and I needed to fix it. They were happy to do it and Noah was excited about a sleepover. And Captain told me if I hurt you, he knew plenty of places where he could hide a body." He shot her a sheepish grin.

The corners of Olivia's mouth began to twitch, and she fought with all she had against the smile that was threatening after hearing the warning of her former Captain. She wasn't going to give Brian the satisfaction, not quite yet.

"I saw that, Liv." He called her out. "Look, we don't have to talk about it, we don't have to _do_ anything. We can go out or stay in, whatever you want. I don't care as long as I'm with you."

Touched by his effort, and the sincerity with which he communicated it, she finally gave in. She let a tiny smile creep across her face.

"It's been a long week." She sighed. "A night on the couch with you and some takeout and that bottle of wine sounds like heaven." She moved closer and snaked her arms around his waist before leaning her head against his chest. "You're not completely off the hook though."

"I know..." He replied, stroking her hair in that way he knew always made her melt, and _oh had she missed this_. "But I am sorry for last night. I didn't mean it, I just... panicked. God, I'm an idiot."

"And I should have called. I just got busy and my phone died and I'm sorry too. You were right when you said I've barely seen Noah this week though." She laid down her pride and offered her apologies as well.

"I'll go get him first thing in the morning and you'll have all day Saturday and Sunday with him. Take care of yourself tonight... let me take care of you." He kissed the top of her head.

"I'm sorry I'm such a bitch to you sometimes." Olivia sighed.

"Your words, not mine." He grinned.

"Brian Cassidy, did you just call me a bitch?!" She shoved him away with a playful glint in her eyes.

He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close again. "I wouldn't change a single thing."

* * *

**This is coming to the end of the chapters I had gotten ahead on... I've got one more mapped out but I'm running into a little bit of writers block where to go from here, so the next update might take some time while I figure out the direction I want to take this. **

**If you have any feedback or criticism or comments or even ideas, I would love to hear them! **


	24. Chapter 24

Maybe it was the bottle of wine she had guzzled, maybe it was the way one of Brian's hands was innocently kneading the small of her back while the other tangled in her hair, or maybe it was because she was so damn tired of watching him try and hide his hurt and frustration when she shut him out. Maybe it was the fear that one day, he would give up trying. Give up on her, and give up on their family.

With her head resting on his chest, Olivia closed her eyes, taking in a series of deep breaths to calm her anxious nerves. She had felt the distance between herself and Brian growing dramatically the past couple months, and it scared her where they may end up. She was terrified of losing him, for Noah's sake even more so than her own. She had grown up with a screwed up mother and a nonexistent father. Her son was already shafted on the mother end, getting stuck with her and her mess. He deserved better.

She knew the one thing Brian wanted that she had never been willing to give. She had wrestled her guilt and her intentions for keeping inside it for six years. She was protecting him, she was protecting herself, or maybe somewhere in the middle. But if this was what it was going to take to fix them, she had to do it. She could swallow her pride and accept the way he would look at her after finding out the stories behind the scars. It wasn't just about her anymore; it wasn't about her at all. She could do this. Not for herself, not even for Brian. For Noah.

She put on a brave face. "Tell me what you need to know. You have questions, and I know you're scared to ask them because I always shoot you down or get mad. So ask."

He stopped to ponder, leaving Olivia terrified of what might come out of his mouth. "Why do you always have to be so damn stubborn?" He finally asked, the corners of his mouth turning upwards as he planted a kiss on her forehead.

Olivia looked up at him, that question coming across much less threatening than the ones she was expecting. She raised her eyebrows. "That's what you're using your question on?"

"What? Who said anything about only one question." He pretended to pout. Olivia rolled her eyes. He was about to lose his opportunity. "So... you're saying I can ask you anything? No strings attached?" He contemplated aloud, trying to wrap his mind around this unexpected and unexplained proposition.

"Do you think this is a game or something?" She snapped.

"No... because if we were playing games, I'd be going straight for the dares and you wouldn't be wearing so many clothes." He grinned, obviously not heeding the seriousness she was attempting to communicate.

"Brian... please." Her tone changed enough to make Brian get the message. He looked at her, really studied her. For the first time, he noticed the subtle shakiness in her voice, the trembling in her hands that was so slight he may have missed it were her skin not flush against his, and the wetness brimming her tired eyes.

"Why are you doing this, babe?" He reached out and brushed a lock of hair out of her face as she buried her head into his shirt and avoided eye contact. The gentle touch was enough to finally send her resolve crumbling.

"Because Noah… we can't lose you." She whispered as a couple of stray tears slipped down her cheek.

Brian's eyes widened, a look of alarm crossing his face. "Liv, are you kidding me? You've gotta stop it, okay? I'm not going anywhere." He paused, unable to believe the words about to come out of his mouth after all the years he had pleaded for her to open up. "Look. I, uh... yeah, I do want you to talk to me, but I am not going to let you tell me things just because you're scared I'm going to leave you if you don't. It doesn't matter how badly I want to know anything, if we do this now, or ever, it's going to be because you want to, not because you feel backed into a corner. Okay?"

"Okay." She mouthed, not trusting that her voice wouldn't come out sounding like a twelve year old boy in the throws of puberty.

"Look at me." He hooked a finger under her chin and tipped it up. "I love you too much to let you do this to yourself. You're not ready to talk about Lewis, so I can wait. I know we've done a shitty job of communicating lately, but we're not going to fix it like this. You love me, right?"

"Of course," she whispered.

"Then we're going to be okay. We'll figure everything out. Don't worry. We're in this together." He smiled at her and placed a lingering kiss on her forehead, then brushed away the tears still rolling down her cheeks.

The room was bathed in silence except for the low hum of the refrigerator and quiet sound of Olivia's sniffles eventually fading to silent breathing. The TV was black, the only light in the room emanating from a dim lamp in the corner and the orange-tinted streetlights stories below. Olivia allowed herself to rest in Brian's embrace, letting him console her in a way she rarely accepted.

"Can you just… tell me if I did something wrong?" Brian finally ventured to ask once he felt she had calmed down.

Olivia lifted her head off of his chest and slowly shifted so she was sitting beside him. "What do you mean?" She asked as she wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt.

"I, uh, I know you don't want to talk about Lewis, but can we talk about now? About what's been bothering you? Is it something I did?"

As hesitant as she still was to discuss Amelia and the current case with Brian, his rejection of the conversation she had just inappropriately dangled in front of him gave her a newfound confidence in him. That he did truly care more about her than about his own gratification. Not long before, she had taken what she felt was a huge step forward in telling Brian some of the details surrounding her first meeting with Amelia. But soon after, embarrassment and insecurities and old habits kicked in and she had pushed him even further away. She had to be about the most confusing girlfriend ever.

"I've been working the case with Amelia Cole. I've been going to see her on my lunch breaks, we've been talking about everything that happened. I think it's just being around her... It's bringing back all of those memories, and I just need time to figure it out. I know you're going to say it's not my fault, and I shouldn't blame myself, but that's not what I need to hear from you right now." She ended the monologue firmly, a warning that she was strictly offering not information, not seeking advice.

"Okay." He gave her a sad smile.

"Okay?" She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. She had come prepared for a fight.

"Yeah, okay. What do you want me to say?" He asked with a puzzled look on his face.

"I don't know. I just… didn't expect you to understand."

"Well you're right, I don't understand. But Olivia Benson, there's a hell of a lot of things I don't understand about you and it's what makes me love you. And whatever you need, I'm going to be here. Just don't completely shut me out, okay?"

God she loved this man.

* * *

Thirteen blocks away, Don and Eileen Cragen worked leisurely in their kitchen, washing dishes and putting away the remnants of the spaghetti they'd eaten for dinner. Noah was finally tucked in and asleep, after a heap of bedtime stories and an adamant goodnight phone call to Olivia and Brian.

The Cragens loved Noah dearly. The spare room of the apartment they had moved into after they married had quickly been designated as his. The bed was covered with superhero sheets, and the closet held an extra supply of clothes and games and toys for the regular afternoons Noah spent with them and the occasional night or weekend where Olivia and Brian had to work late or needed time as a couple. As Don had no biological descendants and Eileen's were on the other side of the country, their relationship with Noah gave them the coveted opportunity to be grandparents, and nothing brought more joy into their life than that little boy.

"You've been awfully quiet tonight. You and Noah normally carry on like regular chatterboxes. Is something bothering you?" Eileen asked as she dried off a plate and handed it to Don to place in the cabinet.

"I think it's just this time of year." He admitted. "Next week is the anniversary of Olivia and Lewis and something about it still gets me every time it comes."

"Well, that's understandable. You and Olivia have always been close. You were her Captain when it happened. It affected more than just her… everyone was changed by it." Eileen reasoned as she pulled another plate out of the sink and began to scrape it clean.

"I should have seen the signs; He threatened her in interrogation and I didn't think anything of it. We thought there was no way he would ever get off. She was upset, I told her to take a few days off. If I had just called to check on her..." Don leaned against the countertop and rested his head in his hands.

"Don. Stop worrying. I don't think Olivia holds it against you."

"I know she doesn't." He sighed. "I just wish I could have kept Lewis from hurting her."

"I didn't know Olivia beforehand, but she seems to have recovered remarkably well. She's an incredible mother to Noah, she does her job well, she—"

The faint sound of sniffles coming from behind them startled both Don and Eileen Cragen. They both quickly turned their heads to find a tearful Noah standing in the doorway.

"Noah!" Eileen quickly jumped into damage control mode. "What's wrong, sweetheart? Did you have a bad dream?" She hurried to console him, silently panicking as she questioned exactly how long he had been standing there and just how much of the previous conversation he had heard and understood.

For everyone's sake, she prayed he hadn't.

* * *

**Okay.. so Olivia and Brian drama is mostly resolved and Amelia will reappear in the next chapter.  
I would really love to know your opinions on this chapter! Please review!**


	25. Chapter 25

On Sunday night, Rafael Barba's office light was the only one on in the courthouse. He sat at his desk and poured through his files. He had been the dedicated prosecutor for SVU for going on eight years. He knew this line of work inside and out, but something about this case made him uneasy. The preliminary hearings had already taken place, and opening arguments were set to commence at 8am. He had less than twelve hours to solidify his arguments, the murder charge especially hinging on one eighteen year old key witness who's credibility was anything but indisputable.

* * *

On Sunday night, Fin and Amanda sat beside each other at a bar down the street from Rollins' apartment. They had both confessed the need for distraction, anything to get their mind off of SVU's most high profile case in ages before diving headfirst back into it in the morning. Amanda tipped her glass up and felt the warm burn of liquor slide down her throat. She slammed her glass down on the countertop and wiped her mouth before raising it again to request another refill. Fin gently removed the glass from her hand and set it back on the wooden counter, taking on his typical big brother protective roll in reminding her she had to be awake and alert early in the morning for court. She rolled her eyes, but obeyed and requested a glass of water instead.

* * *

On Sunday night, Nick Amaro sat down to dinner with his wife and two teenage children only to be interrupted by a phone call from the Los Angeles police department informing him that his leave request had been processed and approved. Rafael Barba had phoned him the previous week, informing him that he would be needed as a witness in the murder case as he had been the first officer on the scene and, along with Sergeant Benson, had assumed the role as a primary investigator in the case until the leads had dried up and it had been declared cold. He was elated at the opportunity to return to the city where he had grown up and where his friends still resided, especially on NYPD's dime.

* * *

On Sunday night, Olivia tucked Noah into bed, poured a glass of wine and curled up on the couch with two folders on her lap: One for the Josie Smithson murder case, and the other for the prostitution raid that had taken place in February. She had been pulled off of officially investigating the case, but that action had come so late that it was nearly irrelevant. Barba had kept her on the witness list, _against all better judgment_, he had been sure to throw in, and _just because if I don't, the defense will call you after this stunt you've pulled, and I would much rather have you telling my story than theirs. _

A picture slid out from under the paper clip that had held it in place and landed on the couch. Olivia picked it up and ran her fingers over the photo as a blue-eyed smile stared back at her. _Josie Smithson._ She would forever be twenty-three years old. Her friends had described her as spunky, a force to be reckoned with. She had grown up in the plains of Iowa, a small town girl with big city dreams. Hudson University and the city lifestyle were anything but cheap, and her solution had been to sell her body to make the ends meet. She had somehow managed to balance the underground life with her studies, hiding her covert career from even her boyfriend. As best they had been able to piece together, she had graduated college, secured an entry level job with a prestigious company, and tried to leave her old life behind her. When her request was met with resistance, she had fought for freedom, and her mangled body had been pulled from the river soon after.

She wondered about Amelia, how she was holding up with all of this. Josie had been Amelia's friend, her 'coworker' if it was even appropriate to call her that. Was she was worried about the trial? Was she was still scared to testify. Had Rollins had stayed true to her word on Friday and gone to communicate the reason for Olivia's absence? Was Amelia upset? Did she understand? Did she feel abandoned?

Olivia heard the door open and close on the other side of the apartment, and this time, she didn't scramble to hide her work as Brian's footsteps approached. "Hey." She called out to him.

"Hey babe." Brian sank onto the couch beside her, throwing his arm around her and leaning in to kiss her on the temple. "What are you working on?"

"Nothi...—I'm just looking through my notes on this case." She caught herself before she continued the habit of shrugging off Brian's well-meaning question. She sighed and tossed her files onto the coffee table in frustration before curling up into her boyfriend's side. "The trial starts tomorrow morning. I have to testify, but I don't think they'll get to me until at least Tuesday. They're combining the murder case with the prostitution charges. Barba and Murphy are already pissed enough as it is, throwing around the "conflict of interest" cliché for a case they both could have pulled me off of at any time."

"Yeah, well Barba is an ass." Brian quickly worked to prove to her that he was on her side.

"Thanks, but you don't have to do that. I know he's right; I probably shouldn't have been going to visit Amelia on personal matters while I was still the lead investigator on a case with her as the key witness. I just can't risk blowing it on the stand and being the reason we don't get justice for Amelia and Josie and all of those other girls."

"Do you want to practice it with me? I can, uh, quiz you or something?"

Olivia furrowed her brow. "Brian. You know I can't let you see these files."

Brian made a big show of looking to his left, then to his right, then up and down and behind him. "I don't see anyone who's going to tell, do you?"

She laughed and gave him a playful shove. "Nice try, but now that you're home, what do you say we call it a night?"

* * *

On Sunday night, Amelia laid in her bed, staring at the glowing digital numbers ticking by on the clock on her nightstand. They were late.

Her roommate's quiet snores filled the room, but Amelia could still hear the faint sound of voices in the hall and footsteps outside her door. She turned over and buried her head under the covers as the door creaked open, then quietly closed behind the Sister as she left the room.

She had sailed through bed check, and the coast was clear until 3am rounds. Amelia slid out of bed and boosted her first floor window open. She tossed her bag onto the pavement, then squeezed through the opening, hanging onto the ledge until her two feet were safely on the ground. She quickly looked around to make sure no one was watching before jumped the gate and took off running down the block.

"Hey…" She panted as she ducked into an alleyway. "Josh? Are you back there?"

"Amelia! I thought you weren't coming." A deep voice echoed through the corridor. A man stepped out of the shadows and wrapped her into a hug.

"Sorry…" She panted. "They were late doing bed check tonight. I wasn't going to risk leaving until they were gone."

"Bed check? Where the hell have you been, 'Mia?"

"Ugh, you don't even want to know." She leaned against the brick wall and slid down until she was sitting on the ground, her legs hugged to her chest. "

"Well, I brought what you asked for." Josh tossed his bookbag at her feet and sat beside her.

"You're a lifesaver." She grabbed a beer and popped the tab, taking a long swig before setting the can on the ground and lighting a cigarette. As much as she was craving the high she knew he would provide if she only asked, some small part of her was still proud of herself and her progress. She had been clean for two months, and she had enough sense to know that her sources were few and far between while in rehab, and that withdraw was a bitch she wasn't going to do again.

"So, where have you been?" Josh asked again. "Are you coming back? Everyone's been worried about you. You just kind of disappeared… what the hell happened?!"

"I, uh… I don't know, Josh. I don't know what to do. I got arrested when they raided the house, I had to tell them about Joey and everything if I wanted to get out. I didn't say anything about you, I promise! But now, I'm freaking out, I have to go to court, and I don't—" Amelia's hands were shaking as she picked her can up once again.

The younger brother of her pimp, Josh had always been her friend, her protector. They had been in foster care together. He was her connection to the prostitution ring, although she had lied and pinned the responsibility on a deceased friend when she had spoken with Barba. He was the one person she always felt like she could turn to, the one person who always made her feel as if she might actually be worth something. And now, with fears and anxieties over the trial rising, and with the one person she had finally allowed herself to put some faith in walking away once again, she needed to see him.

"So you're going to do it? You're just going to give my brother up? You're going to give us _all_ up? You little bitch!" He shouted as his palm connected with her cheek. Amelia dropped the can as her hand flew to her stinging face. Her eyes were wide in shock.

"This was a mistake…" Amelia said as she stood up and backed away slowly, afraid to turn her back to the man she had always considered her ally. "Just forget it. I've gotta go."

Josh lunged at her, pinning her against the wall as he wrapped his hands around her neck. "You listen to me, bitch. You remember what happened to Josie? If you know what's good for you, you'll keep your damn mouth shut, or it'll be the last thing you ever do." He threw her on the ground and gave her a few swift kicks in the ribs before he nonchalantly grabbed his bag and slipped out of the alley, back onto the noisy street that masked the sound of Amelia's quiet whimpers.

* * *

**This chapter went way, way differently than I had originally planned but I hope you all like it! let me know your thoughts by leaving a review!**


	26. Chapter 26

Amelia slowly opened her eyes and blinked a few times to bring her surroundings into focus. She felt the cold, damp ground underneath her, and the events of the last hour immediately came rushing back into her memory. Her vision was spinning. Her head was pounding. Her ribs were aching with every painful breath. She touched a hand to her forehead and felt the warm, sticky smear of blood cover her fingers.

Every movement sent searing pain through her entire body, but the fear of staying in a space where Josh could return for more far outweighed the agony of getting up. Her saving grace was that she hadn't told him exactly where she had been staying, but even still, her contrived sense of invincibility was shattered. Now, she was even more fearful about the trial. A thousand scenarios were trampling through her mind – what would happen to her if she went through with testifying? What if she didn't? The words that Olivia had spoken to her the week before rang in her head, and she just had to find out the hard way. _You're a witness in a case. Some people aren't going to like that. _

Olivia. Against her better judgment, she had allowed herself to put her trust in someone. Screw it all. She didn't need her anyways.

She finally struggled to a standing position and staggered out of the alleyway. Leaning against the rugged brick wall for a moment of support, she spotted a convenience store down the block. Amelia grimaced with every step, but finally slipped inside and looked around for the bathroom to clean up and assess her injuries. After slinking in between the aisle of candy bars and two-liter drinks, she wrapped her hand around the door handle, only to find it locked. She looked up and saw a sign on the door._ Please ask attendant for key. _

_Damn it. _

She reluctantly walked up to the desk. The attendant was what you would expect of a third shift convenience store worker in the city. A greasy comb-over lied plastered to his head, a beer belly that looked as if it could be incubating a child hung below his shirt, and his smile made her want to fork over the money and buy him a toothbrush off of his own shelves.

"I need the bathroom key." She said matter-of-factly.

"Are you a paying customer?" He sized her up, his eyes lingering on her chest a bit longer than necessary.

"Just give me the damn key." Amelia crossed her arms protectively. The man handed it over and Amelia bolted away.

"Hey kid? Are you okay?" He leaned across the counter and called out to her.

"Yeah. Peachy." She scoffed, rolling her eyes. She quickly unlocked the door and slammed it behind her, making sure to turn the lock again because she certainly didn't trust the man working. _She didn't trust anyone._ She set the key and her bag down on the floor and leaned over the sink. Her clothes were damp and dirty. Her hair was matted and disheveled. A gash at her hairline had left a trail of blood trickling down her face, and her face was speckled with the evidence that she'd been crying. Just as she'd expected, she looked like absolute shit

She grimaced as she lifted her shirt. Her side was fire red and already showing signs of bruising, and she was almost certain that a couple of her ribs were broken, but she sure as hell wasn't going anywhere to find out. She wet a paper towel and wiped off her face, dabbing at the laceration and praying that it could be easily hidden with a good makeup job and a deliberate hairstyle. She ran her fingers through her tangled locks and pulled them back into a semi-presentable ponytail. This was as good as it was going to get for the time being. Letting out a deep sigh, she unlocked the door and returned the key to the employee.

"The cops should be here any minute." He informed her.

"You called the cops?!" Amelia asked in a panic.

"Well, yeah? Looked like someone did a number on ya'." He shrugged. "Can't have a pretty girl like yourself getting roughed up out there all alone."

She took off out the door and down the street as she heard the faint squeal of sirens approaching in the distance. Pushing through the intense pain, she ran as fast as she could manage towards a place that when she had left three hours before, she was unsure she would ever return.

* * *

"Oh, it's so good to see you." Oblivious to the events of the previous night, Olivia wrapped her arms around Nick's neck as soon as she saw him emerge from the baggage claim early the next morning. Her former partner dropped his suitcase and reciprocated the hug, holding her tightly as he agreed with her words of greeting. The pair walked back to the car and climbed in with Olivia at the wheel. Although Nick also wasn't slated to testify until mid-week, he had been given a week's leave from LAPD and elected to stretch his business trip into an opportunity to spend time with the family and friends he had left behind the year before when he, Gil and Cynthia had moved to Los Angeles for a fresh start and to be closer to Zara.

"To tell you the truth, I'm surprised you could get away long enough to pick me up, Liv. I figured they'd have you buried so deep in trial preparations that they would send over some Uni."

"Yeah, well that's a long story." She rolled her eyes. Nick raised his eyebrows, and Olivia quickly realized there was no use covering up the story; He would find out the circumstances as soon as they got back to the precinct and he picked up the case files. "I got pulled off the case. The prosecution's key witness, one of the girls we picked up when we took down the house, is Amelia Cole. " Olivia turned to look at him, gauging his reaction to see if he recognized the name or if she needed to explain further. She didn't. "I'm still going to testify, but Murphy and Barba didn't give me an option about staying away at this point. Damn conflict of interest."

"Wow." Nick mouthed.

"Yeah. Now tell me about you. How is California? Do you miss it here?" She quickly moved to change the subject, and was thankful when Nick didn't push with any more questions about Amelia, especially the ones that involved _Are you okay_ and _How are you handling this _and _I'm so sorry_. His quiet support meant far more to her than he could ever know. In the days following her kidnapping, he was one of the few people who had been _normal_ with her, and that was something she would never forget.

"I miss New York, sure. I miss my Mom, and of course I miss you and the rest of the squad, but I tell ya, Liv. I missed the first nine years of Gil's life completely, and was barely there for Zara after Maria and I split and she took her to DC. Getting to see both of my kids, all the time… getting to go to all of Zara's soccer games even when it's Maria's week with her. The two of them getting to see each other more than just every other holiday and a few weeks in the summer… knowing each other well enough to bicker like brothers and sisters are supposed to…" Nick chuckled a bit as he added that statement. "I wouldn't trade that for anything."

"I'm really happy for you, Nick." Olivia nodded. Her heart once again clenched at the thought of Noah never knowing what it was like to argue with a brother or sister, to even _have_ a brother or sister, but she quickly willed those thoughts out of her mind. She had _everything_ she needed with Brian and Noah.

"You and Noah should come out and visit sometime. We're not far from the beach, and I bet he would love the aquarium. We could even take all the kids to Disneyland. Zara and Gil both pretend like they're too old for it, but they secretly love it." Nick offered.

"Me and Noah… and Brian?" Olivia asked with a twinkle in her eye.

"Yeah, you can bring Ass-idy too." Nick rolled his eyes out of playfulness with a bit of sincerity weaved in. Nick and Brian had each learned to respect the other as part of her life, but that still didn't mean that the two could resist taking a dig at each other when the opportunity was given.

"Nick Amaro!" She said sharply, reaching over and swatting him on the deltoid. "If you don't behave yourself, I'm going to pull this car over and you're going to walk back to the precinct."

"Oh my God, Liv." Nick busted out laughing.

"What's so funny?" She snapped her head and glared at him briefly before turning her attention back to the traffic in front of her.

"You sound like a mom." He grinned.


	27. Chapter 27

Olivia reluctantly dropped Nick off to settle in at his mother's house before she returned to the precinct and spent the remainder of the morning slowly excavating her desk from the mountain of paperwork that covered it. As the clocked turned to afternoon, she reasoned that she could pick her son up from school, lounge on the couch in her sweats, and procrastinate on the same work from home just as effectively as she could at the precinct. Murphy was out of the office in meetings for the rest of the day, Rollins had chosen to attend the opening arguments of the trial, and Fin promised he was perfectly capable of holding down the fort.

Although bringing her files back to the apartment with her did mean blurring those home/work lines that she tried so hard to keep clear, she had agreed to meet her squad for drinks later that night, _for old times sake_, and knew she would miss Noah's bedtime routine once again. The opportunity to skip out early and spend the afternoon with him made it well worth it, even if she was spending more time simply enjoying his company than she was concentrating. She rarely ventured out on the town anymore, as she found time with her boyfriend and son much more fulfilling, but she did want to spend time with Nick, and secretly, she was hoping Amanda would spill some details about that morning's court proceedings.

And so, Olivia sat cross-legged on the couch, groaning over her DD5's while Noah played on the floor in front of her. She flipped the pages in her files and divided her attention, making small talk with him about his day at school, his new little "girlfriend", and whatever else his six-year-old attention span bounced off of.

"Mommy, who is Lewis?" Noah asked her out of the blue as he remained focused on pushing his toy train around the elaborate track Brian had helped him set up across the living room the weekend before.

Olivia felt the blood drain from her face. _Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. _He had her undivided attention now.

"Uh." She stuttered, clinging to the hope that Noah was referring to someone other than _that_ Lewis. Maybe he had met another child at school or at the park with the same coincidental name. Or maybe this was her worst fear realized. Had Noah been woken up by nightmare? Had he heard her and Brian fighting? "Wh-where did you hear that name, baby?" She finally collected herself enough to ask.

Noah put down his train and looked up at her, his innocent eyes full of curiosity. "Grandpa Don said that Lewis hurt you."

Where in the _world_ had that come from? She knew better than to assume Don and Eileen would deliberately talk to him about the situation, so it must have come from a conversation that his curious ears had unintentionally overheard. She feared just what he may have heard, and as a lesser offense, was admittedly self-conscious to think of what exactly her former captain and his wife may have been discussing in relation to her.

She knew she had two options here: she could lie to him, or she could tell him the truth as much as his naïve ears could handle. Even when motherhood was just a distant dream, Olivia had promised herself that she would give her children a completely different upbringing than her own. She had grown up surrounded by uncertainty about where she had come from. Saying her mother had hardly wanted to discuss it was a gross understatement, and each time she attempted to ask questions about the mystery that was her father, she was shut down, shut out, and typically left to fend for herself that night as her mother drank herself into oblivion.

She had quickly learned never to ask.

From early on, Olivia and Brian had been intentional about discussing the concept of adoption with Noah. As soon as the paperwork was finalized, they had introduced the word to his vocabulary. They had even bought the recommended storybooks about adoptive families to read to him at bedtime. She wanted for Noah to grow up knowing where he came from, not for his origins to be dropped like a bombshell when he was a teenager much like her own family situation had been. She knew from the start that there would be a myriad of uncomfortable conversations she would eventually have to have with her son; the sheer fact of adoption being just the tip of the iceberg. She would delegate the typical boy conversations and the birds and the bees to Brian, that was for sure, but one day, she'd have to struggle through telling him about Ellie, about the attempts made on his life when she was working the case involving his biological mother, about how she had found him living with child pornographers, and about his time spent in foster care.

And one day… she would have to tell him about William Lewis.

Kids these days were exposed to so much, so early. As Rafael Barba had recently reminded her, the first thing found on an Internet search of her name were the news articles detailing her two separate encounters with The Beast. There was never going to be a way to prevent Noah from learning of the horrors she had gone through no matter how badly she wanted to protect him. She just hoped to be able to share that information with him before the world had a chance to. The thought of her personal business having been broadcast on network TV was heart-wrenching enough, but to have to look into her own son's eyes and hold it together while she answered his questions was something she couldn't even fathom. He was only six. She always expected she had a few more years of safety.

But she would keep the promise that he was unaware had even been made.

"Come here, baby." She moved her papers to the coffee table and tapped her hands against her thighs, signaling Noah to come and sit with her. He ambled over and she pulled him up onto her lap. She needed that closeness, that tangible reminder that he was right there with her. She needed to hold him tight, as if when he was in her arms, nothing else in the world could hurt him. And truthfully, kids were much more perceptive than she had ever realized, and she didn't want her son to see that he had shaken her with this line of questioning.

Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes, her arms wrapped around Noah and clasped in front of him. "A long time ago, before you were even born, a man named Lewis made your Mommy really sad." She started.

"Was he a bad guy?" Noah's eyes widened. She knew the wheels were turning in his brain, equating this mysterious Lewis figure to the likes of Dr. Doofenschmirtz or The Green Goblin or another character from the cartoons he would spend all weekend watching if she let him.

"Yeah, sweetie. Yeah, he was." She smiled sadly and blinked back the tears that began to threaten. _Not now. Not in front of Noah. _

"Was he scary?! Did you kill him?!" He asked excitedly. _Oh, the irony. _She could just see him mentally rehearsing a scene of her slaying an evil villain with a Jedi light saber and some kung fu moves that would put Jackie Chan to shame. She might have laughed had she still not been so ruffled by the fact that her six year old had initiated the one conversation she dreaded above all else.

She took a deep breath. _Tell him the truth, Olivia. The bigger truth._ "I didn't kill him, but he is dead. And he was very scary, but he can never hurt you, or me, or anyone else ever again, so you don't need to be afraid, okay?"

She braced herself for a barrage of questions that never came. Slowly, she realized that she had said everything he needed to hear. He wasn't going to press her for those painful details that everyone else seemed to feel entitled to when they questioned her. To him, Lewis was just a name like any other; He didn't understand the deep emotion it stirred in the people around him. She breathed a sigh of relief, finally allowing herself to relax.

"Do you have any questions, baby?" She now felt brave enough to ask. She smoothed his cowlick back into his unruly mop of hair and pressed a kiss onto the top of his head.

"Yeah, what's for dinner?" He asked eagerly.

Olivia laughed. Something about Noah's nonchalant response, what she knew to be a sly request for pizza, settled her heart. Although bigger hurdles were sure to one day come, he was okay. She was okay. _This was going to be okay._ "We'll talk about that in a minute, but can I tell you a secret first?"

Noah nodded, the enthusiastic bob of his head shaking his entire body. If there was anything this kid loved, it was a secret.

"Do you know who helped me be happy again?" His nodding transitioned to shaking his head in curious defeat.

"You!" She leaned down to whisper emphatically in his ear as she began to tickle his sides. Noah giggled and squirmed off of her lap. He ran a safe distance away and looked back at her, beaming.

She knew a day would come when "_a bad man made me sad_" and even "_your birth mommy loved you but she couldn't take care of you_" wouldn't be enough to satisfy his inquisition. He was quickly getting to the age where she could no longer shelter him from the things that lurked outside the four walls of their apartment, and it terrified her. She only prayed that she would have the grace to handle what lied ahead, and that as he became aware of the hard details he deserved to know, his life would continue to be defined not by his origins, but by just how deeply he was loved… _just like Ellie had wanted._

* * *

**Special shout out especially to _lucyspencer_ and _Nightwitch87_ for your opinions when it came to deciding what I wanted to do with this chapter, but thank you ALL for continuing to read and support my little writing hobby! I really wanted to throw in Olivia having some type of hard conversation with Noah and explore their interactions a little more, as well as just how much it would freak her out to hear the name Lewis come out of his mouth. I would love to hear your thoughts on this. **

**Next up: Does Olivia decide to confront the Cragens? Does she mention anything about this to Brian? What is going to transpire with the trial and Amelia? Stay tuned!**


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